Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I had a dream, that I could fly from the highest swing


If my heart keeps getting awakened like this every day I'm gunna have to start blogging every 12 hours. This is just pure craziness. 4 months of desert and then, boom. Love outpouring. So good. I don't know why now, but I'm just gunna go with it. Cause I sure needed it.

I started a challenge about a week ago. Find a creative way to love someone everyday and write it down. Along with this, I also write down a way that Jesus loved me. I read a good friends blog tonight about how much Jesus loves us, and in her blog she challenged the reader to stop...and just think about Jesus and his love.

When I did, he challenged me to read back my past week of ways that Jesus has loved me. How much I don't remember..... Jesus was there when I was walking around taking pictures Tuesday night. He was there when I was in a kitchen covered in chocolate learning and old family recipe, he was there when I was crying in front of 30 people over Disney Princess toys.

I once heard a teacher at church say that God likes to play hide and seek like any father does with his kids. She set the scene for us, the father hides from the child, behind a chair or under a bed. But he wants to be found. That's the whole point of the game, the finding. If the father really wanted to hide he could just get in his car and go to Home Depot. But he doesn't. He hides and waits for us to find him. And sometimes as children we think that God got up, took his keys, and drove to Home Depot. But he didn't. He's waiting, smiling in the corner, waiting for us to find him. It's not a mean hiding, it's a game. It's what makes life exciting. The looking.

You know what changed. Nothing. Jesus didn't start doing anything different. I didn't get my joy back because he started doing something different. I got it back cause I started looking and seeing. And I started letting people look at me.

Tonight was what my girls and I fondly refer to as CHEMMas (CHEMM christmas.) CHEMM is a group...really a family. Cadie, Hannah, Emily, Maci and Moree. People always tell me that we'll stop being friends, but our traditions live, therefore so does our family. They are my sisters, they are my mothers, they are my brothers, they are my best friends.

As I drove home from CHEMMas filled with warmth and happiness I got a phone call from Emily, who insisted that I get Maci on the line as well. And she told us the news. She's engaged! We found out less than 10 minutes after it happened. I could barely keep from screaming outright in Blockbuster where I had stopped off to get movies.

I rushed over to see her ring and give her a hug. And I started crying on the way over. Everything is changing, and while I love changed, I'm also an incredibly nostaligic person. CHEMM is changing. We have to make room for husbands now. She's the first one of us to get engaged and before long married.

I don't know what this has to do with the rest of this blog, but it has to do with me and my mixbag of emotions right now. It has to do with the pure meloncoly joy, bliss, and bittersweet nostalgia that is overtaking me as I sit cuddled up in my bed in my Disney socks and fleece PJs.

And yes, Jesus is constant. His love is constant. In a crazy world where people get engaged and the world starts spinned....

Spinning like a little girl on a summer day. Looking straight up at the cloud and trying not to get dizzy.

I'm dizzy.

But I'm good. It's a good kind of dizzy I think.

Yeah...a good dizzy.

Maci made me a new theme songs CD. She outdid herself. This song is me...perfectly. Perfectly and absolutly. I haven't stopped listening to it.

Dream - Priscilla Ahn

Monday, December 28, 2009

You can't deny you want a happy ending

It's hard to bring myself to post again after my Christmas post as it's been getting a lot of traffic, so if you're looking for that one you'll find it below, but I just watched an amazing movie and need to process a bit.

Spoiler Alert! Don't read if you don't want (500) Days of Summer spoiled somewhat.

I just finished watching (500) Days of Summer. I truly believe it's a must see for all girls...well really just all people in general, but especially females. And it's interesting that the "girl" is actually the boy in the story. The boy that falls in love with the wrong girl.

I think every girl has gone through what he's gone through. The feeling of knowing...knowing without a doubt that you are going to marry someone. Knowing that no matter how bad things get that they are completely and totally the one for you...

And then having to watch yourself be wrong.

I have. I have, without a doubt, known I was going to marry someone.

And then watched myself be wrong.

It was such a heart awakening for me, watching him go through the same doubts I did. Watching him rejecting love of all kind. Watching him doubt that love even exists and become bitter. Watching him watch her. My heart seems to keep coming out of a deep sleep. I'm not the only one who has done this. Cause let me tell you, you feel pretty stupid when you finally realize after a year or so that it's just not going to happen...that it's not what is meant to be. It sucks to feel so wrong about something...but I think it's part of our nature as humans.

I was talking to Aunt M yesterday. I seem to be talking to a lot of people lately. But we were talking about how we as humans want to figure everything out and make everything make sense right now and how that's really just cutting ourselves off from our heart. When we try to figure things out in our head before God's timing it cuts of off from enjoying what's right before us.

I wrote a song about loving someone I shouldn't. And in the song, I end up with that person. That's not how that story really ends. It's been a long time coming, and I've known for awhile that it's not how the story ends. But the prideful part of me didn't want to admit it.

I think sometimes when a story ends we're scared there's no sequel. But Jesus is a pretty amazing author. And he has so many more creative things for us. We just need to learn how to let go and embrace them. I need to learn to let go and embrace them.

I worry, like every other girl my age I think, that I won't find the boy that is meant for me...I tell people that I've had the worst year ever when it comes to boys. That they suck and I'm giving up on them for good. But that's not really right. They just weren't the right ones. Or as Summer put it when she does finally find the right one...

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.

Tom: Knew what?

Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

Tom was sure. Summer wasn't. Tom got hurt...but it's not the end of the story. You have to pick up the sequel. Or keep turning the pages. So I'm wrong. I'll admit it. I'm wrong. The story didn't happen in reality like the one in my head. But I'm gunna keep turning. I'm gunna pick up the sequel. And I'm gunna let Jesus be the author instead of me (even if I do like to write).

Musical Inspiration

She's Got You High: Mumm-Ra

Us: Regina Spektor

Friday, December 25, 2009

I am not my own, for I have been made new

Warning: Read at your own risk. This is a heart post, and is also rather long. :-) Sorry

I had a really interesting Christmas. A really amazing and interesting Christmas.

I've been having a mini identity crisis lately. Some may be aware of this, others may not. Regardless, I've been doing some me work lately trying to get to the bottom of why my joy seems to have been stripped away lately.

It's been tough. There have been some tears. And most of the time I felt completely alone on my self-exploration journey, kinda like Jesus wasn't right beside me even though he was the whole time. It was a practice to tell myself every day that he was right next to me.

So I went into Christmas week with a somewhat heavy heart. I had a mom melt down earlier last week like I said. I also watched the movie "Julie and Julia," which was adorable. It made me want to blog right away (go figure), but it also made my heart ache a bit. It's the story of one women's self discovery through cooking. I've been doing a lot of self discovery lately, not so much with cooking, but with music, coffee, friends, and of course some Disney. And yet I felt as though no one saw. Nobody saw that I have been growing and discovering this new found thing and joy called life. And life on my terms, not just how other tell me I should live it.

This brings us to Christmas Eve. Every Christmas Eve for 50+ years my dad's side of the family gets together and celebrates with food, an appearance of Santa, and of course the infamous Kris Kringle gift exchange where you must make a gift for the person who's name you draw. The gifts always are amazing, ranging from absolutely crazy hilarious to extremely touching. There are many tears, both from laughter, happiness, and bittersweet memories. It's my favorite day of the whole year. Literally, the whole year. It never fails.

So I went to Christmas Eve excited, but also nervous. My Kris Kringle gift for my aunt this year was not the best. I've been tight on money so I made her a necklace and that was it. I felt pretty stingy, but I worked hard on it and I hoped she liked it.

Santa came and went. I saw my little cousin nearly jump out of her chair when Santa (played by my brother) called her name and invited her to sit on his lap. Amazing. And then came Kris Kringle. My family really went all out this year. There were mosaic trays, amazing Beatles and dog paintings, medals displayed in cases, and a doggie winter wonderland.

And then my Aunt got her present, my other aunt (not the one I made the necklace for.) It's usually traditional for a little speech to go along with the gift, so Aunt K (the gift giver) got up for her speech. She started with, "Everyone has to say with me, I do believe in faries. I do!" I got really excited. I'm a fairy nut. Finally someone has seen the discovery of my childhood lost.

But the gift wasn't for me. It was for my Aunt M. She has a new fairy garden in her backyard (which is amazing btw.) Nobody even realized that I love fairies. I was so excited for Aunt M, but it was still hard feeling like she got the gift that was made for me. That was until my Uncle got up.

Now I love my entire family very much, but in a family as large as mine, you can't help but be a bit closer to some people than others. The uncle that had my name was an uncle that I love dearly, but probably didn't know very well, so when I found out he had my name, I was expecting something very generic, you know....awesome gift basket full of candles and notebooks and other "collegie" stuff. Stuff that was very fun, but...generic. It happened a little differently than that.

He pulled me up next to him and started his speech. "Now Hannah, is it true that every little girl wants to be a Princess?" "Yes indeed" "Well then Hannah, tonight you are a princess" and he pulled out a crown. I laughed and put the crown on and he handed me my present. A happy meal box. I opened it up and started pulling out all sorts of stuff. I laughed at some, all stuff that he had found by looking at my facebook and seeing what I liked. Post-it notes, a little wind-up buterfly, a dancer charm, a heart charm with a crown, and a few gift cards to my favorite store and Mc-Ds. Good job uncle! Right? I mean, not many people know about my obsession with Happy Meals. Only a select few (although the population is growing by the day.) Oh, but just wait....he wasn't done yet. Not by far.

He then pulled out a framed picture. I took one look at it and lost it. I mean, completely lost it bawling in front of 30 people lost it. Even typing this out now I'm tearing up. It's a framed picture of the heading of my blog, you know, the picture of me at the top of the screen with the script about Neverland over it? I couldn't believe my uncle had taken time to look at this little old blog. I didn't know anyone cared to investigate me that much, to dig into what made me tick. Like seriously, this blog isn't the easiest to find. He had to really be looking, to really seeking me out and really trying to know me...not the surface layer me, but the real me.

And then, to top it all off, he started bringing out bags, three to be exact. Three huge Disney bags. Three huge Disney bags full of Disney Princess figurines. Plastic toy figurines. 55 total. Seriously? 55! Can you even comprehend the volume of 55 Disney Princess figurine toys? I got toys for Christmas!

My uncle took the time to see me. To truly see me and know me and love me for exactly what he saw. He could have focused on the easy surface stuff. My obsession with coffee, my music, ect. But he didn't. He kept pulling back layers and found the little girl at the very heart of me that wants to be seen, even though she's scared of what people may think. And he picked that little girl up, put a crown on her head, and filled her heart with love. And assured her that yes, she is known, and she is loved.

I cried into his shoulder for a good 30 seconds before I could contain myself enough to say thank you. Never again will I underestimate the power of being known and being sought out. Never will I underestimate the feeling of being pursued, seeked out, and loved. Never.

I talked to my aunt after and she was crying. It was the aunt that had gotten all the fairy stuff, my kindred spirit. She told me I was truly a princess, and that I was known and seen by my family. I told her I felt guilty cause I felt like I didn't deserve it, but she merely brushed that aside saying I deserved it all and that the abundance that was lavished on me was completely deserved.

I don't open up to my family. There is no way they could have known that this was exactly what I needed right this second in my life, that this was the kind of assurance that I needed in my life. It was craziness. The only explanation is Jesus, and his loving me through my amazingly awesome family, especially my amazingly awesome uncle.

And there is a pain in being exposed like I have been, but there is a huge freedom too. There is a freedom that I never want to give up. Yeah, I worry a bit about what people will think of me for getting a huge amount of toys for Christmas. Even my brothers couldn't believe that I actually took the toys out of the packages and played with them. I think they expected me to just save them. But what's the good of toys if you can't enjoy them?

Needless to say, I'm happy...but not cause of the presents. Those are secondary to the real present, the present of being seen, known, and appreciated for exactly who I am. So thank you family for a Christmas that will never be forgotten.

Meteor Shower - Owl City

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Aaaaaand....cue coffeehouse.

Yeah, I found one here at home. Hooray. Cause pretty sure I was already going through coffeehouse withdrawal. Not coffee withdrawal mind you...I can get that at home. Just coffeehouse withdrawal. Ah, smell that fresh ground coffee? Mmmmm. So good.

And so on to work on my book. I have no idea if it's actually going to be any good, but I really need something to do over break other than making Christmas presents. BAHA. I'm so poor. I'm so poor that I don't have jeans without holes in them right now. My mom thought it was funny.....I didn't so much.

Ok, so true story. I was talking to my brother this morning and he wants to go se Avatar tomorrow night. Wow.....Avatar was not caught by spellcheck...weird. Anyways, I told my brother that I wanted to bring my Happy Meal Avatar toys to the movie. He had no reaction....he just kept talking. I suppose people do realize how weird I am. Made me laugh anyway.

I had a melt down with my mom yesterday. Not a bad one though, a nessesarry one. It was about time too. I knew I was about due for a full on mom melt down time. Usually they happen over the phone since I'm at college, but this time I was able to have one in person. It was good. Jesus talked to me a bit. He even bought me Endurmints (via my mom.) Funny. And because of said meltdown and talking some stuff out with God, today has been a joyful day thus far. About time. It's making me happy.

And now I'm off to write and drink coffee and pretend I'm at POHO. :-)

P.S. - A song for your enjoyment that I wish I would have remembered for my post about stereotypes. Yes Mmhmm. Enjoy!

Everybody's Got a Story - Amanda Marshall

and also cause I love it

House to Clean - Lee Ellen Starks

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Challenge to Love like a Disney Princess

It's hard to decide what to write about when you're half asleep. I thought having classes done would return my sense of joy. I'm relieved yes....joyful....not to much. Proof yet again that Jesus is truly the only way for me to experience full Joy. Notice the capital "J."

And so I'm at a place again of need for him. And I need a drink from that living spring it talks about all through the bible...problem...I can't find the drinking fountain. Anyone know where it is? Cause pretty sure it's not anywhere where I am right now.

And so I wait. Waiting for Jesus sucks sometimes but it's always worth it in the end.

And then Jesus gave me a challenge tonight as I was writing and thinking. The love shall see. My challenge is based on a verse in Romans 12

"Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality."

Find a way to love someone everyday and write it down. And think of a way that Jesus showed me love everyday and write it down.


I'm bad at everyday. This will be a hard challenge. But I'm slowly learning that love is the center of who Jesus is, and therefore the center of who I am. Without love I am nothing. And to love is my calling in life.

Someone told me today that I remind them of a Disney Princess. At first I was slightly insulted....but not for the reason you'd think. I was insulted because I didn't feel worthy of the title. These women are fighters and lovers, and I'm.....not. Think about like a Disney Princess? Hard! They were purposefully written to be like the most perfect women on the face of the planet.

Cinderella found a way to be joyful even in the worst circumstances. If I was locked in a tower with just mice for friends you can bet I would have gone nuts.

Snow White was diligent in her work and made it fun, and was even was happy through the whole thing. And loved Grumpy through it all? Seriously? Ha! I would have kicked him in the butt!

Aurora (Sleeping Beauty for all you non-disney fans) was obedient but opened her heart up for dreaming too. She loved her Fairy Godmothers and the crazy things they did, but also dreamed about a better life without hiding.

Ariel was a firecracker but found beauty and wonder in the simple things. She loved someone and something that her father hated for no reason. And she saw through the lies about humans and loved.

Belle loved a Beast even when she didn't have to and found the beauty in something ugly and brought that beauty out.

Jasmine loved someone despite their station in life.

Are you seeing the common theme? Loving and persevering through all things? And one huge thing...these women were hopeful through all things. And they loved through all things. Yeah, they sometimes had a little help along the way, yeah these girls had faults too, like anyone. They were rebellious and made mistakes....but those faults were part of what made the ending beautiful. If I can love half as much as these women I'll be a fairly happy camper.

I miss staying up late in the coffee house already. I'll have to find one when I'm home to go write. Finally writing is starting to become my obsession. 'Bout time. It's only been my major for roughly a year. BAHAHA.

I'm pretty random sometimes.

I love Disney....and this song....

Monday, December 14, 2009

"Attempting to get at truth means rejecting stereotypes and cliches" - Harold Evans

I conducted a funny experiment today. I was sitting with M drinking coffee when I realized that I'm starting to fit a stereotype I've always had in my head. That stereotype is that of a the "coffeehouse girl" (I made that into one word for you K). I've never really fit a stereotype, in my own opinion, before. I've never been athletic enough for the cheerleader (although many would argue I'm bubbly enough), I'm not the smart book worm, I'm not a skater, athlete, punk....ect. You get the idea. Now this isn't to say that these stereotypes exist, I'm just going off of what I perceive pop culture thinks of as "stereotypes."

My version of a "coffee house girl." Artsey, likes to read...obviously likes coffee, computer with her all the time, kind of a hot mess...but looks like she has it control. Likes to write and talk with people. Usually a bit alternative looking, messy hair, TOMs shoes, multiple piercings, tattoos maybe. Struggling musician playing open mic nights just to get by.

I fit most of these descriptions, the idea I had in my head. Actual all of the descriptions, although I don't rely on my music "just to get by." I laughed with M over coffee about this and how I thought it was funny that I finally fit into a stereotype without meaning to. It just kinda happened that the only place I can study is coffee houses and all the other descriptions just fell into place in the last year.

And so I decided on my experiment. I wanted to see what other people thought the stereotypical "coffee house girl" was. I wanted to see if I fit into their stereotypes too. And that's when things changed a bit.

The responses I got were a lot more far reaching than I thought, proving to me yet again that people think in completely different ways. One thing that almost everyone said was artsey, but that was the only very consistent answer. Other answers were: black clothing, glasses, laptop in tow, loner, hipster, laid back, mac user, snob, shallow, intelligent, poetry lover, too good for mainstream, loves jazz, indie, island and folk music, English major, on the go, high power, healthnut, family oriented, smart, sophisticated, bookie, urban, dreamer, wisher, radical, liberal, coffee junkie

I love that only one person put anything in their description about loving coffee. As I looked over the list I realized that I didn't fit into many of the categories people were mentioning. Yeah, I'm the English major and I'm generally on the go. I almost always have my laptop in tow and people have described me as artsey before. I love all kinds of music. I do dream and I do wish...but I wouldn't say I'm "radical." Everything else doesn't really fit. I'm not liberal, I hope I'm not a snob or shallow. I still have my old Dell (although I hope to be a mac user one day), and there are still mainstream things that I like, Disney being one of them (although I do hate Starbucks officially). I mean, loner? Really? If anyone described me as a loner ever I would probably fall over in shock....and then call my best friend to tell her about it. I need people.

I sat thinking about this wondering how I could have been so off about what people view as "stereotypical coffee house girls." I was kinda offended at first. If I was ever going to fit into a stereotype I would have chosen coffee house regular for myself.

And then I kept thinking. Maybe all stereotypes are...are just people's own view. I mean, I thought I had it pretty nailed down, but when I asked around it was completely different. And that's probably a good thing. Cause who wants to fit a stereotype anyway. It talks in the bible about how we are all an important part of the body, and if we were all the same, the church body wouldn't be able to truly show Jesus. We can't all be good at everything. And so Jesus, cause he's crazy awesome, made everyone just a little bit different, essentially erasing the possibility for stereotypes.

Yeah! Ha. So I might have been sad at first that I don't really fit the stereotypical "coffee girl" idea. But I'm me. I'm bubbly, I love all things about being a kid (happy meals, disney, snowglobes ect) but I also love my independence as an adult. I love coffee and I love writing for hours on end...but just cause I like those things doesn't make me someone you can put in a box. Maybe that makes it harder to find people who actually understand me, but isn't it nice to surprise people? Yeah....I'll go with the out of the box for now.

I think I now fully understand why I love the movie "The Breakfast Club" so much.

"We're all pretty bizarre...some of us are just better at hidding it, that's all" - The Breakfast Club

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Misty conversation at 1:00 AM (Just to be Alive is a Magic Art)

Gah! So late. And I have to get up early for church. But I need to write it all down so I don't forget.

Ever have one of those Jesus times where he tells you so much in a very short amount of time and you're on information overload? Yeah. Welcome to my world on a weekly basis.

It started this evening. CB and BC (ha) got married. And M and I prayed after and she brought up something like, "Jesus, don't let my heart go to the place it usually does after weddings." It was the very prayer that I was scared to pray for myself. Because it was 9:00 PM, I had just been to a wedding, and now I was alone...very alone.

So I tried to read my guitar a bit since LE gave me pep talk about music. Nothing was helping. My heart was slowly going to that depressed place. It's not like my heart hasn't known that place lately. That depressed place and my heart have been pretty close lately. They've grown to be quite comfortable with each other actually.

And so I went to my fall back plan. I have a small collection of movies that make me cry...especially when I need to cry but can't. So I went to my collection. The collection consists of Little Women, Peter Pan (live action), The Secret Garden, and Prince least those are the mains ones. You might ask what all of these random movies have in common with each other, and I will tell you. I connect on a deep heart level with each one of these movies. All of these movies make me I secretly was in them in my dreams or another life or something

I've always related to Jo from Little Women and her bravery to step out into the unknown as a writer. I've always considered myself feisty like her and never fully ready to grown up. She also has this deal with loving herself that I relate to. But it works out for her. And she has Beth. I cry every time Beth dies cause I feel the sister I never had dying with her. A bit dramatic...but just go with it. It's 1 AM and I'm nostalgic.

Peter Pan. Well this one is fairly obvious to someone who knows me. I love the notion of never growing up. And for some reason, I feel like I know Peter. Weird I know. Maybe I had crazy dreams about him when I was little, but there is a sense of Deja-vu when I watch Peter Pan.

The Secret Garden. It's always reminded me of the secret place. Always. And the finding a secret that nobody else can share except you. Just your secret. And cultivating it and watching it grown. And Mary, she isn't wanted, but she finds her place in the Secret Garden. I relate very deeply to that.

And finally, the pick of my night, Prince Caspian. I don't think I've ever fully understood why I connected with this movie until tonight. I just knew it made me cry when I couldn't so I went with it. But in the Chronicles of Narinia there is this little girl named Lucy. And she's pretty incredible. And I realized tonight that the true prayer of my heart is to be a Lucy.

Lucy loves through all things. She hopes through all things. And above all else, she has faith in Aslan (Jesus) through all things. This is completely the prayer of my heart. To love, hope, and have faith like Lucy. And I didn't realize it until tonight when Jesus quietly whispered in my ear, "You are a Lucy," when she came out onto that bridge with Aslan behind her. And it hit me how much I want that.

And yeah there were some tears, some tremendous pain as I worked through some disappointments. Some hurts, some failures, some attacks. But Jesus just kept whispering "You're a Lucy." What a guy. What a guy to hold me and rock me when I'm at my worst. Did I mention those movies make me cry every time?

I don't know how to wrap up this post. So I'll leave you with the soundtrack of these 4 movies...which speaks volumes to me. Pretty much as much as the movies themselves. They are incredible songs. Take a listen :-)

"For the Beauty of the Earth" - Little Women
"Fairy Dance" - Peter Pan
"Winter Light" - The Secret Garden
"The Call" - The Chronicles of Narinia: Prince Caspian
"This is Home (Every Breath is Magic)" - The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Monday, December 7, 2009

Ooh, I love my Coffee while listening to rain on a tin roof...among other being done

Holy crap! How good do I feel to have that paper written....and better yet, to feel good about said paper! Awesome! Seriously guys, I totally kicked butt. I'm pretty excited. And I promised myself I wouldn't blog until I was done and I kept my promise. Woot!

So, things on my mind. Romans 12 blows my mind continually. Seriously, continually.

9-10Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

11-13Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

14-16Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.

17-19Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

20-21Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

This is literally the prayer of my heart for my life. And more importantly, for my time in Uganda. Be inventive in hospitality?! YES! I find that I'm not always the best at the things described in these verses. I'm judgemental, I sometiems want to get even, I don't always get the best of the devil by doing good. But you know what I like about Jesus? He has a way of totally convicting me of my behavior without completely destroying my soul. Ha.

He just gives me a slight prod in the rips...hey Hannah...look at this here. But guess what girly? We can fix it! And it's going to be totally fine......yes Jesus calls me girly. I think it's cute. Don't judge.

And he's gunna help me get to that point...cause he's pretty crazy awesome that way. He sees me when I'm at my worst and says that I take his breath away. Awesome! Who even needs a boy...not me! Who still wants a boy! But he gets it. He pretty much just gets me perfectly. Can you tell me and Jesus are kinda feelin' the love right now. I feel like the sappy couple I hate. Ha.

These times are the best...when the lonliness isn't like a knawing at the back of my stomach and rather it's just a relization that, yes, I do want someone sometime, but for now. I'm good.

Ooh, I love my Coffee - Marc Black (funny as all get out)

I'll Be - Edwin McCain (I like to sing the verses to Jesus and let him sing the chorus back to me. "I'll be love suicide"...seriously...perfect!)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Castles, Coffee, and Banana Pancakes....And maybe a few Snails (Things that bring me joy)

Joy...It seems like something so simple to have. When I google searched joy, the first hit was a site for exactly my idea of joy. It's funny, I feel like in church they are always telling you about joy. When I searched bible verses for joy....holy cow, my search engine couldn't take it. It's one of the fruits of the spirit. It seems like there is something huge to be found in joy. And it seems like how much it's talked about in the bible, it is something that people struggle with a lot.

I myself don't so much. It's weird...I have all these things I have that I want to change about myself....all these things I see wrong with myself...I'm judgemental of people and complain just to complain, to mention a few. But in general I can find joy in most every situation. Now I'm not saying I don't have my off days. Trust me, there are days when I just want to knaw a cookie into a knife and stab someone (thank you JB for that quote.) But for the most part there are very small things in life that make me happy. It's the thing I had/have going for me. I remind myself of the song "Snails" by The Format that KT blogged about last. "Snails see the benafit, the beauty in every inch." Yeah...I like that. I think this is the first time I will be ok with comparing myself to a snail.

But this week, the devil, being the bastard that he is, tried to take that away from me. I found myself not caring about anything much really, especially the stuff that I used to really get joy out of. Yeah, I was not very happy with him. And I tried to combat it myself. Ha...yeah...not pretty. And to make it worse I had to get rid of my pumpkins this week. about literally throwing joy away. Sad.

But then I realized I was looking for joy in the wrong places. Because yes, I get joy out of tons of crazy things (see list at the end of this post to see HOW crazy), but that joy is a gift directly from Jesus. After all, all good things come from Jesus and joy is deffinetly a good thing. And when I stopped turning to him for the ultimate joy, of course the other things weren't gunna bring me joy. Stupid stupid Hannah. Ha. And so I asked, and did he deliver. Because I named him my ultimate joy....and let the rest follow.

There is nothing better to me than listening to good music with my earphones in, sitting in a coffee shop with a huge cup of coffee not doing the homework I came to do.

Yes....It's true. Like Molasses I'm a procrastinator. Pretty sure she writes about that portion of her personality every time she writes a blog. It makes me giggle.

Speaking of things that make me happy, we come to the point of this post, to both combat the devil and to celebrate my new found joy I made a list of all the things that bring me joy...and I'd like to share part of it with you. So here you go, a little gift from me to you. Merry freakin' Christmas. Ha.

Joy: Jesus, C.H.E.M. (Cadie, Hannah, Emily and Maci), friends, family, pumpkins, Christmas, music (there are just far too many artists to mention), guitar, piano, singing, making music (writting), writing poetry, Lee Ellen singing (cause I'm listening to her right now), bike ridding, dressing up (in costume or just fancy), coffee, typing (yes I get joy just from typing on a keyboard), POHO, C3, Woods House, buttons, cartoons, Disney (and Disney Princesses), old book smell, the back shelves in a library, driving, stargazing, presents (giving and recieving), Africa, bumperstickers (facebook or otherwise), my dog, making eye contact with someone you don't know and just smiling, the feeling of a new relationship, animatronic christmas decorations (there is a moving bear in the Coffee Shop....hence it makes me happy), blue eyes, Johnny Depp, fall, people crawling through vents like the movies, skydiving, making things out of magazines, laying in grass, picnics, kites, musicians that haven't made it big yet, weddings, photo shoots, art, reading, knitting, N64, reconecting with an old friend, seeing someone in a movie and not remembering what else they were in then finally remembering, my residents, fishing, corn fields, mud squished between your toes, swimming in lakes, the ocean, sunsets, theatre, cheesey music (don't judge), board games, old school Nick, and much much more....this list is getting too long for this post.

And so, I hope I have brought a smile to your face. Jesus always comes through. It's pretty cool. I kinda like him for that.

Songs that Bring me so much joy I have had each one of these songs on repeat for at least a day in my lifetime:
The Call: Regina Spektor
The First Single: The Format
Be Be Your Love: Rachel Yamagata (love to dance to this)
Let Go: Frou Frou
Tortilla Chips Song: T Bizzy

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Eowyn's Story (Stand in the Rain)

So this post is dedicated to someone who literally saves my life everyday...or at least points me to the person who can. If it wasn't for her I'm sure...positive...I would not be the person I am. And I would deffinetly have given up long ago. K wrote a post several days ago about relationships pushing you towards Jesus. This is definitely one of those relationships. So M, here are my thoughts.

So I'm gunna go a little Lord of the Rings on you real quick. Just bear with me. Remember Eowyn. Yeah...I feel a lot like her right now. Thing start to literally fall apart around her. She loses her cousin, her country is at war, her uncle is unrecognizable...not to mention she's being stalked by a creeper. Awkward...and not the good kind. And she's dying inside. Slowly and quietly dying.

And then this guy comes along. This great guy. Oh, but wait...guess what. He's taken...he's not on the market. And so with a broken heart she runs to battle, hoping to find escape. And it's a hard battle, and a battle she probably won't live through.

And then comes the Witch King...this insurmountable force that she somehow is faced with. Somehow it fell to her. Because no man can kill him. And things go good....for a second. Until, oh wait....he beats her into the ground. He literally is standing over her...beating her into the ground. Her arm breaks...she's laying, completely broken at his feet.

I was using this story tonight to tell M how I felt. How my life has been one big mess leading up to the point of me being on the ground in a crumpled heap with no one around to protect me from the witch king that's standing over me. He's broken my arm, he's broken my more hit and I'll be broken completely.

And then M did something I needed. She made me keep going with the story. "What happens next?" Pip comes. That little distraction...that little glimmer of hope. Pip stabs the witch king in the leg to give Eowyn enough time to take a breath....stand up....and do what no man could do, defeat the witch king. Despite her brokenness and the fact that she's not a man, she somehow defeats him. And I don't think it's really by her own strength.

I don't think it's a coincidence that Jesus brought this women to my mind as an equation to what I'm feeling right now. I think it's very much him telling me, right're laying on the ground. One more knock and you'll be out for good...but keep going with the story. M you prayed for my Pip tonight. Pretty sure you're my Pip. You are my glimer of hope that gunna give me enough strength to get up and with Jesus behind me thrust that sword into the witch king's head.

And so, despite the fact that I just want to give in. I'm gunna stand up, and take that freakin' witch king's head off. You have no idea how BA I feel to type that. Ha.

Enjoy this crazy awesome woman's story. And it's awesome that it's set to the song that just perfectly fits my life right now. I love serendipitous moments!

Friday, November 27, 2009

Regression Sucks.....

I feel like I'm regressing to 3 years ago in my life with the same problems I had. How frustrating. Seriously, it's really annoying me! I'm trying to talk to Jesus about it, rebuke the devil...all that. Not working! Gah! It's like seeing myself 3 years ago, being disgusted, and then realizing that I'm on the tip of a cliff, looking over, and ready to fall back down to that place....I refuse to go back to that place. Refuse!

I am not a patient person.

And yet....Jesus brought me out of that place. He promised I wouldn't go back. He's not really one to break his promises yeah? I am changed....I am completely different right? Yeah, so I had a bad day. We all do. Isn't the true test as to whether I'm the same person whether or not I try again? The Hannah 3 years ago would have given up.

Ha. I love when I have revelations while writing.

Now I just need motivation to write 2 papers. Not likely to happen. Let's be honest. I'll probably just go have Jesus time. At least that's more important that a silly paper.

Monday, November 23, 2009


Suggestion: Click this to enjoy the music that was playing in my head while writing this post. It really make it a good deal more interesting.

There is something therapeutic about writing. Seems to be really convenient that I'm majoring in it right? Ha. Ok well maybe if I actually wrote on a regular basis this would work. It's funny cause Maci (a bff for sure) just started a blog....about us...and C.H.E.M. (standing for Cadie, Hannah, Emily, and Maci. Yeah....we're weird. We know.)

I have too many random thought bumping around in my head to write about just one thing.

Boys....and how they always seem to be bouncing around in my head no matter how many other things try to cram them out. And how I always seem to fall for the wrong ones despite my efforts not to. Again, writing is therapeutic. Write a song about said boys and you feel better.

Uganda. Holy crap there is so much to say. Probably cause there are fifty different emotions going on in my brain about it. I'm scared out of my mind to go. Take "scared" out of the previous sentence and the sentence still holds true. I don't know anyone, I think I have a heart to serve and yet every day I'm reminded about the times I don't listen to God or I chicken out of doing something. Chickening out is really not an option there. Yeah....

Music is frustrating to me. I try to find the right words to tell how I'm feeling. I can hear it in my head but I can never get the words to come out right one paper except once in a.....cliche to say blue moon so I shall say once in a green sunset. Yeah.....sure...we'll go with it.

And screwing up that open mic night didn't help.

What about friends. And how I have the best friends pretty much in the world and yet I take for granted how amazingly fantastic they are.

Or possibly how I'm really sad I stopped writing here. Writing is therapeutic....did I already say that? Yeah...I pretty much meant it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Hula Hooping the Summer Away

Did you know hula hooping "vigorously" burns 300 calories per half hour according to google? Yeah.....that's exciting.

I love taking things that are supposed to be kid things and revamping them. Seriously, it's awesome.

Also, Maci has provided a great soundtrack to hula hoop to....Circus, Put a Ring on It, much fun to dance to.'s been a fun few days.

And I get to see Demetri in a few days. WOOHOO!

And my song from LAST summer just came on....Free Fallin' but John Mayer.

I miss everyone, but goodness I love summer, and I love being home. I love my friends from home. I'm so weird. I never got unattached.

I also had a dream I was pregnant last night. I have those every once in awhile.

Songs for the summer:

Breakdown: Jack Johnson (this song is for you Meli, just listen to the lyrics)
MargaritaVille: Jimmy Buffet
and just cause I'm a true gangsta' at heart
Miami: Will Smith

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Smoothies and Backyard Weddings

Every girl dreams about her wedding day right? I mean, I'm not some crazy freak cause I pretty much have the whole thing planned, down to the flowers, the location, the dress.....the everything.

Yeah, ok, maybe it's a bit much.

I was out in my backyard yesterday and my mom wants me to get married in my backyard. Honestly, I love the idea. I've lived here my entire brother's have lived here for their entire parents have lived here for almost 35 years. Geeze that's crazy. It's home, ya know? It will always be home.

P.S.- I love movies that make you nostalgic without even knowing the people. There is something about movies that take place in the 30/40's for me. AKA The Curious Case of Benjamen Button. SO good.

I'm also getting really good at making smoothies.

I love summer. I just don't want to get lazy. I've talked to M about this a bit, but I'm so scared I'm going to become a lukewarm christian this summer, and that is unacceptable. I just want to feel close to him all the time, but that's not really how it works yeah? You'll have times where he feels distant.

P.P.S- Mom is shopping for a trellis tomorrow for my wedding. Yeah.....she's more excited than I am. Now I just need to find the groom and insert. Ha.

"Roman's is like a giant piece of fudge, so good, but I can only take little pieces at a time or I get overwhelmed"

If you want your mind blown away read Romans 7 and 8. The Message translation is the best.

HoneySuckle OUT!

I don't know....I'm just rambling at this point

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Deepest Parts of Me

Me to God:

"I just want to catch up but you never slow down. If I try to keep up, I might fail you now. Come dwell inside my heart, live in the deepest parts, but you might not like what you see, in the deepest parts of me."

Jesus, here is a list of things that are in the deepest part of me

-I love that I have nothing apart from you
-I hate that I have nothing apart from you (I'm independent, go figure)
-It's hard not having anything cause I'm good, and rather cause you give me everything
-I wish I came to you cause I was special, and not cause you give me grace
-I wish I loved you the way you deserve
-I want to love people
-I want you to zoom into my life

Jesus back to Me:

"Anyone who holds on to the life just as it is destroy that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal" John 12:26 (The Message)

The things I speak into the deepest parts:
-you picked me
-that makes you different
-that makes you special
-I'll fancy you for forever
-I am all up in your inner sanctum
-I love you, if you realize nothing else, realize I love you

Jesus is amazing. Jenny & Tyler write songs about my life.

Jenny and Tyler

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Slipping through the Bars

I like this going with whatever lyrics are on at the time with my post title. I really do feel a bit like I'm slipping through the bars. Things feel hectic, overflowing sinks, tests galore, loud people, and a grumpy girl.

My heart it breaking for children who are being forced into a brutal war. I prayed with M tonight, and one of the first prayers out of my mouth was "thank you Jesus that Emmanuel (the little boy I adopted from Kenya) doesn't live in Uganda". Jesus do I help? Do I give the money I don't have to children that did nothing more than be born into a perverse and sick world that treats them like animals? Please give me money, somehow, for these kids.

I would post a link, but everyone who reads this blog has seen the horrors I'm talking about.

And then there is the matter of my heart. A direct quote from Jesus today, "he may be traipsing about in your fluid areas, but I am all up in your inner sanctum so don't even worry about it."

Yeah, that just happened. I laughed outright.

But I still want to be careful. I keep hearing wait. So I am waiting, and I am hoping, and I am praying for you.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Blue Eyes

It's funny how I find a kindred spirit and a musical soulmate all in one package, wrapped up with crazy hair, amazing fashion, a listening ear and a sense of humor to boot.

Or that I found a person that is not ashamed to know every aspect of my entire life, and love me through it. That knows the secrets that I didn't even want Jesus to know.

Or that I found someone that makes me laugh, literally, till I cry, and has changed my thinking with the revolutionary idea of "fluid areas"......and made me laugh while changing my life. That's talent.

Or that I find someone so perfect for me (in my own opinion) that it literally causes me physical pain, but I wouldn't trade friendship for anything. Selfish perhaps. I'm working on that one.

I wrote another song last night. Actually, it's kinda funny. I was looking through one of my old journals from when I was 15, and I found it tucked away between the pages. I rewrote some of the verses and put music to it. It's funny that not a lot changes in 5 years except the boy I'm writing about. And my attitude about whatever boy it is.

And yet, Jesus really is helping me keep bitterness out of my life. So for now, I sit, and wait, at Jesus's feet for whatever is to come. Record deals? Boyfriends? Blue eyed children? Wedding planning galor?

My mom told me about "I am" prayers a few years ago. I love the idea. Jesus says to pray in his name. Well Jesus has lots of names.....seriously.....there are tons. My favorite is El Roi (God who sees me), but one of his names is "I am". When you pray in Jesus's name you can be using positive thinking and also praying for improvment. Praying for positive things instead of negative things. It's amazing. For example. "I am...sitting at Jesus's feet and trusting in his plan for my life". Now this might not be completely true at this point, but in praying in Jesus's name, I am stating truth into my life and praying for what I want. mom blows my mind sometimes. She needs to write a book.

So, I am trusting Jesus to work my life for the best good.

P.S.- I need to find something I'm passionate about. CB has invisable children, M has young girls with sexual sin issues....I don't really have anything, but at the same time it's not exactly something you can just pick out on the fly.

I am trusting Jesus to bring me something to be passionate about.

And of course the inspiration for this post.

Blue Eyes- By the Carey Brothers
dedicated to K and our mutual love for those all too Blue Eyes

"I just wanna sing a song with you......cause blue eyes, you're all that I need.....cause blue eyes you're the secret I keep" *fad out in an artistic manner*

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Awkward Moments Day

I dedicate this day to my dear friend (I'm sure you know who you are.) Today is actually a holiday....a bonified holiday called Awkward Moments Day. You can't make this stuff up. The awkward turtle ran all the way past India and is over on the west coast again.

It's strange that on awkward moment's day I actually feel awkward, or uneasy rather. Unsatisfied....? Nope none of these words are fitting. Possibly guilty? Yes....this could be it.

There is a boy who likes me. I don't return the feelings, my heart is entirely too wrapped up with someone completely different. Yet I love the attention. I love having someone to think I'm pretty and amazing when the real boy I want attention from doesn't. Is this not selfish? Yes....guilt....that was definitely the emotion.

Why is it that I have such a hard time accepting the fact that Jesus loves me, all of me, and that's enough? Girls seriously? Why? I just don't understand how it isn't enough that the creator of the universe thinks I'm the bees knees and I have to have attention from other boys?

Jesus......Rai.......I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry. We talked tonight about how you used Rahab even though she was a prostitute and a traitor. Maybe I'm not a prositutue, but I'm not loving this boy with Jesus love. That makes me sick to my stomach to think about. Use me even in my complete failur and selfishness and transform me into someone who loves your people well, not through any of my own love, but in love straight from you.

Maybe it's a good think I'm not doing the "boy fast" I was considering. Having to hand this stuff over to Jesus every day is helping me focus on what a big problem it is in my life. Maybe I wasn't meant to fast because that would make it too easy. I would just ignor the problem for a year. But this way I have to get up and face things in my life that aren't ok.

I love it when Jesus knows what he's doing.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Silly Things

I lost Disney Scene-It tonight. HA. Even just typing that out makes me laugh a little bit at myself. I was playing against 6 people, just by myself. I rolled 2's the whole time. And I moped. I don't know why I felt the need to write about this, but I think God's showing me how easy it is to come down from my little "Hope You Dance" high.

And yet the stars are so pretty. The wind smells like Spring. St. Patty's Day is tomorrow. Freddy is in tune and playing better than ever. I'm a princess of the high king and he loves me more than air. Pumpkins are all over my room. Ariel is pretty.

*Sigh* Yes, that's better. Focusing on the good is always better.

People usually call me a good lover of people, but am I a good lover of people or just of the people I want to love. I find myself becoming a somewhat selfish person, only loving when it's convenient. That's not ok. Jesus didn't love when it was convenient, he loved when it was messy, and he loved without condemnation, something that I can't quite seem to grasp no matter how hard I try.

But Jesus will endure. He's so good. Sometimes I just don't get it. You know what's funny too? He cares that I was bummed that I lost Disney Scene-It, cause I cared. He cares cause I care. That's love right there. To get bummed with me. Teehee. I love Jesus.

Marie Digby is good. I'm loving her just a little bit. This song seems to fit my life right now. I would love to have a sound like her for Honey&Molasses. Take note friend. Stupid for You

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I Hope You Dance

I've realized today that I've been sad. People generally know me as a very bubbly person, but lately life has been getting me down. I've been bitter, I've been trying to lead my life instead of letting Jesus. But Jesus is amazing and by his grace, I have amazing people around me to pick me up, brush me off, and tell me it's ok.

My best friend send me a book in the mail today called "I hope you Dance" going through each one of the lines in Lee Ann Womack's song. It really spoke to my heart, reawaken it. Just cause things don't go my way, doesn't give me the right to stop looking at the world with wonder in my eyes.

This is a pretty amazing place. There are stars that come out every night, there is a great big world and life out there, and I'm young. I have my whole life to enjoy it. Thank you Jesus for waking up the quiet and sad places of my heart.

I wish I could post the entier book on here, but I'll leave you with the quote that really got the tears flowing.

"Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making. Love. Love. Love. You have to love, and if you don't get love right, you have to move on and forgive. And then you have to remember that you've forgiven, or else you can't move on. And if you don't move on, you'll surely end up...bitter. There are too many people too angry at a world that isn't in the least bit angry at them."