"I'm not young enough to know everything" - J.M. Barrie

I feel like there is a riverbed in front of me, and I'm trying to find the smallest part to jump across.

I feel a little messed up. Like I just woke up, and my soul is creased from a night of sleep. It's not damaged or crinkled beyond repair, just a little smashed, in need of an iron to compress out the wrinkles.

When I went to bed last night I had a huge longing for my childhood. Normally it's just a dull ache in the back of my stomach. I don't notice the dull ache anymore. But this longing demanded my attention. I laid in bed and blew bubbles up around my head, praying and thinking.

I guess it comes back to what I always think. I'm not a little kid anymore. But that doesn't mean I have to stop enjoying life, fun, bubbles, pumpkins, or Disney Princesses.

I just had to be reminded again.

Pollen and Salt - Daphne Loves Derby



Photo Props: The Inky Finger Files

Inspiration Props: we just don't know you yet

Will you begin right where I end?

So I have been called immature by 2 different people in 2 different contexts this month as well as been told that I cannot simply be, that I must do. Makes one pause and stop for self examination, especially when you have a 3 hour drive with nothing but a christian radio station and lots of snow.

I realize that I am not a typical grown up, and yes I do consider myself a grown up. I collect Disney movies, I go crazy for tiaras and twirly skirts...sweet goodness I still sleep with a freakin' teddy bear (which I just got a week ago mind you). I take joys in the small thigs.

Kind like this: What's so great about bubbles?

I act like a very small child in many different ways, even going as far as having a little kid voice I occasionally talk in. I realize if you aren't used to this it can be annoying. I realize if you are very used to this it can also be annoying. I realize that I need to learn when to be a little kid and when to grow up, and I realize that I'm not perfect at the distinguishing when to make these distinctions yet.

But I've never been called immature. It made me pause. It very nearly forced me to consider putting away my Disney Princess toys for the time being until I have a little girl around again and can "allow" myself to be little again. Almost.

I think people think I'm a lot more secure in my little kid ways than I am. I'm still incredibly self conscious about it, because here's the thing. It's not just an act. I really do try to have the mind and heart of a 5 year old, and there is something people forget about 5 year olds...their hearts are open.

A 5 year old little girl hasn't been scarred by the world yet. She isn't bitter towards people and she isn't afraid to be delighted in. The world tells girls somewhere along the way that we have to stop wanting to be delighted in and stop wanting to be told we're beautiful. We're told that we're too much and that we need to grow up. Grow up and grow some tough skin too cause the world isn't a nice place.

I lived like that for a long time, rejecting my little girl heart and trying to be what I thought the world wanted from me. I grew tough skin, although the words would still pierce through it sometimes. But then Jesus started stripping that skin away. It was a huge and long process, but I feel like I've finally gotten back to the place of having a child like faith and heart, which is something Jesus actually asks of us in the bible, doncha know.

Problem, open heart means assaults to it hurt...a lot. A lot more than they used to. Now that I'm trying to live with my heart open I find that painful and hurtful words are a lot harder to ignore. It's like I'm that 5 year old all over again being told to grow tough skin and shut down my heart, but I've seen the lies, and I don't want to go back to that place.

I guess that's probably why people telling me I'm immature hurts so bad. The 2 people who told me this aren't close friends. They aren't people that I trust to speak truth into my life, but their words still pierced a small hole into my heart.

But that's why Jesus is so great. He's jealous for my heart, especially now that he's helped reawaken it to the joys of being delighted in and open. He doesn't want me to lose that. And so as I ran to him, he caught me and comforted me just like a daddy should when his little girl's heart has been assaulted. He helped me see the lies, even though they hurt.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...you may see me as immature, but I know I'm not. I know that I'm simply trying to live the way I feel that Jesus has called me. It may not be so literal for some women, but for me, it means enjoying the things of childhood and living with an open heart. *Shrugs* good enough for me.

Besides, “To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.” - William Arthur Ward

Savior Please - Josh Wilson

Photo courtesy of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lacountyfair/

The Worlds Got Me Dizzy Again

Well if "dizzy" didn't describe my life a few days ago it sure does now. There is something about the utter exhaustion that RA training does to my body that feels unlike anything ever. Probably cause it's a self induced exhaustion. I love it...I hate it. It's part of what makes my life interesting.

People ask me a lot why I'm an RA. I've been trying to figure out exactly why myself lately. I'm not gunna lie. There are times when I wake up in the middle of the night to my phone ringing thinking, "Why the heck do I do this to myself." Or when all my friends are hanging out on the weekend and I can't go cause I'm on duty. Or when friends ask me why I've not been around lately...that's the worst one. Cause as much as I care about my friends, my job has to come first. I feel like I'm letting them down on those nights. Those night suck. Those night make me want to kiss Reslife goodbye and never look back.

But if it was all bad no one would do it. I thought for a long time that the biggest reason was for the money incentive, but when I think about coming back next year even, it's not the money I'm thinking about.

I think about the residents that come in my room crying just to talk about a crappy test or a broken heart. I think about the residents that come running into my room, slam the door, lock it, and tell me not to open it for their roommate for anything. I think about the residents who get stuck on the top bunk and laugh their way down after 15 minutes. I think about the residents that dress up as Disney Princesses with me. I think about the residents that are finding out who they are gunna be, who are exploring college, who stay up late playing video games, who dress up as anima characters and take pictures.

That's really why I do my job. I can ramble on about the incentives and the money, but I don't much care about that stuff. It's the girls that I get to see break out of their shells. It's so much fun!

And so I sit in my room and wait for the floor to fill back up and another semester of adventures to start. They'll be those 5 am calls that I hate and the nights I can't head over to Potter's for some coffee....but they'll be those Disney Scene-It nights too. Exciting! Bring it on Spring semester!

Inspiration

Landlocked Blues - Bright Eyes

photo curtosey of flickr user Nick Scribner http://www.flickr.com/photos/scribner/2990360882/

Life's like a jump rope

I want you to take yourself back a minute to the movie "Step Brothers." They are running around, they've just become best friends and they run into their parents room (keep in mine they are close to 40 years of age) and ask if they can make bunk beds. Their argument? "We'll have so much more room for activities!"

I love this. I love activities. And that's what today is. A day dedicated to activities. I came over to one of my best friends houses today to celebrate the second holiday of the year on my calender, Chocolate Covered Cherry Day. I made a resolution this year to find crazy holidays, put them on my calender, and celebrate every one. I have at least 5 little known holidays to celebrate every month.

I came over expecting to just make chocolate covered cherries. I found today to shape up a little differently. I walked in the door to see my best friend decked out in a football jersey for the game later today. Our team is not good, but that does not stop her faith.

We made our way into the kitchen and started talking. Even if we only spend about 5 hours apart we always have new things to tell each other, plans, ideas, and funny stories. We started talking and were remembering Christmas this year, or CHEMas...girl christmas. It was amazing, but we are already thinking of ideas for next year to top this year. We've decided to do joint gifts...I can't tell you what they are on the off chance that one of the other members of CHEM read this blog...but let me tell you...they are good. Like, really good.

And so we decided that after we made chocolate covered cherries, we would start work on the CHEMas presents. Yes, we know that Christmas is literally a year away, but that doesn't really stop us...we're kinda weird that way.

And then we started talking about Em getting married. And we started getting ideas for wedding presents. And we're gunna work on that.

And then we decided we wanted to see The Princess and the Frog, complete with Disney toys provided by me. So we are gunna do that.

And then we decided I needed to put together an outfit for RA prom. So we're gunna work on that....

I looked over at her and said in my best little kid voice, "We have so many activities!"

She laughed. I did to. But at the same time...it's completely normal for us. To make chocolate covered cherries and begin work on joint Christmas present in January. I like having friends that embrace my crazy, weird desire to surprise people, including myself.

I'm obsessed with this new song, life's like a jump rope. "Up, down, up down, up down, up down, yeah...life's like a jump rope." It's the perfect description. I'm up, I'm down...but I always have my crazy friends to laugh with and plan activities with on the up days and to cry and watch chick flicks and eat chocolate covered cherries with on the down days.

Yup...it's a jump rope. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

And there is something to be learned from Step Brothers. Activities should never be overrated :-)

Jump Rope - Blue October

photo property of flickr.com user 3rd foundation http://www.flickr.com/photos/3rdfoundation/1305684558/

I am not my own, for I have been made new

Warning: Read at your own risk. This is a heart post, and is also rather long. :-) Sorry

I had a really interesting Christmas. A really amazing and interesting Christmas.

I've been having a mini identity crisis lately. Some may be aware of this, others may not. Regardless, I've been doing some me work lately trying to get to the bottom of why my joy seems to have been stripped away lately.

It's been tough. There have been some tears. And most of the time I felt completely alone on my self-exploration journey, kinda like Jesus wasn't right beside me even though he was the whole time. It was a practice to tell myself every day that he was right next to me.

So I went into Christmas week with a somewhat heavy heart. I had a mom melt down earlier last week like I said. I also watched the movie "Julie and Julia," which was adorable. It made me want to blog right away (go figure), but it also made my heart ache a bit. It's the story of one women's self discovery through cooking. I've been doing a lot of self discovery lately, not so much with cooking, but with music, coffee, friends, and of course some Disney. And yet I felt as though no one saw. Nobody saw that I have been growing and discovering this new found thing and joy called life. And life on my terms, not just how other tell me I should live it.

This brings us to Christmas Eve. Every Christmas Eve for 50+ years my dad's side of the family gets together and celebrates with food, an appearance of Santa, and of course the infamous Kris Kringle gift exchange where you must make a gift for the person who's name you draw. The gifts always are amazing, ranging from absolutely crazy hilarious to extremely touching. There are many tears, both from laughter, happiness, and bittersweet memories. It's my favorite day of the whole year. Literally, the whole year. It never fails.

So I went to Christmas Eve excited, but also nervous. My Kris Kringle gift for my aunt this year was not the best. I've been tight on money so I made her a necklace and that was it. I felt pretty stingy, but I worked hard on it and I hoped she liked it.

Santa came and went. I saw my little cousin nearly jump out of her chair when Santa (played by my brother) called her name and invited her to sit on his lap. Amazing. And then came Kris Kringle. My family really went all out this year. There were mosaic trays, amazing Beatles and dog paintings, medals displayed in cases, and a doggie winter wonderland.

And then my Aunt got her present, my other aunt (not the one I made the necklace for.) It's usually traditional for a little speech to go along with the gift, so Aunt K (the gift giver) got up for her speech. She started with, "Everyone has to say with me, I do believe in faries. I do!" I got really excited. I'm a fairy nut. Finally someone has seen the discovery of my childhood lost.

But the gift wasn't for me. It was for my Aunt M. She has a new fairy garden in her backyard (which is amazing btw.) Nobody even realized that I love fairies. I was so excited for Aunt M, but it was still hard feeling like she got the gift that was made for me. That was until my Uncle got up.

Now I love my entire family very much, but in a family as large as mine, you can't help but be a bit closer to some people than others. The uncle that had my name was an uncle that I love dearly, but probably didn't know very well, so when I found out he had my name, I was expecting something very generic, you know....awesome gift basket full of candles and notebooks and other "collegie" stuff. Stuff that was very fun, but...generic. It happened a little differently than that.

He pulled me up next to him and started his speech. "Now Hannah, is it true that every little girl wants to be a Princess?" "Yes indeed" "Well then Hannah, tonight you are a princess" and he pulled out a crown. I laughed and put the crown on and he handed me my present. A happy meal box. I opened it up and started pulling out all sorts of stuff. I laughed at some, all stuff that he had found by looking at my facebook and seeing what I liked. Post-it notes, a little wind-up buterfly, a dancer charm, a heart charm with a crown, and a few gift cards to my favorite store and Mc-Ds. Good job uncle! Right? I mean, not many people know about my obsession with Happy Meals. Only a select few (although the population is growing by the day.) Oh, but just wait....he wasn't done yet. Not by far.

He then pulled out a framed picture. I took one look at it and lost it. I mean, completely lost it bawling in front of 30 people lost it. Even typing this out now I'm tearing up. It's a framed picture of the heading of my blog, you know, the picture of me at the top of the screen with the script about Neverland over it? I couldn't believe my uncle had taken time to look at this little old blog. I didn't know anyone cared to investigate me that much, to dig into what made me tick. Like seriously, this blog isn't the easiest to find. He had to really be looking, to really seeking me out and really trying to know me...not the surface layer me, but the real me.

And then, to top it all off, he started bringing out bags, three to be exact. Three huge Disney bags. Three huge Disney bags full of Disney Princess figurines. Plastic toy figurines. 55 total. Seriously? 55! Can you even comprehend the volume of 55 Disney Princess figurine toys? I got toys for Christmas!

My uncle took the time to see me. To truly see me and know me and love me for exactly what he saw. He could have focused on the easy surface stuff. My obsession with coffee, my music, ect. But he didn't. He kept pulling back layers and found the little girl at the very heart of me that wants to be seen, even though she's scared of what people may think. And he picked that little girl up, put a crown on her head, and filled her heart with love. And assured her that yes, she is known, and she is loved.

I cried into his shoulder for a good 30 seconds before I could contain myself enough to say thank you. Never again will I underestimate the power of being known and being sought out. Never will I underestimate the feeling of being pursued, seeked out, and loved. Never.

I talked to my aunt after and she was crying. It was the aunt that had gotten all the fairy stuff, my kindred spirit. She told me I was truly a princess, and that I was known and seen by my family. I told her I felt guilty cause I felt like I didn't deserve it, but she merely brushed that aside saying I deserved it all and that the abundance that was lavished on me was completely deserved.

I don't open up to my family. There is no way they could have known that this was exactly what I needed right this second in my life, that this was the kind of assurance that I needed in my life. It was craziness. The only explanation is Jesus, and his loving me through my amazingly awesome family, especially my amazingly awesome uncle.

And there is a pain in being exposed like I have been, but there is a huge freedom too. There is a freedom that I never want to give up. Yeah, I worry a bit about what people will think of me for getting a huge amount of toys for Christmas. Even my brothers couldn't believe that I actually took the toys out of the packages and played with them. I think they expected me to just save them. But what's the good of toys if you can't enjoy them?

Needless to say, I'm happy...but not cause of the presents. Those are secondary to the real present, the present of being seen, known, and appreciated for exactly who I am. So thank you family for a Christmas that will never be forgotten.

Meteor Shower - Owl City

The Challenge to Love like a Disney Princess

It's hard to decide what to write about when you're half asleep. I thought having classes done would return my sense of joy. I'm relieved yes....joyful....not to much. Proof yet again that Jesus is truly the only way for me to experience full Joy. Notice the capital "J."

And so I'm at a place again of need for him. And I need a drink from that living spring it talks about all through the bible...problem...I can't find the drinking fountain. Anyone know where it is? Cause pretty sure it's not anywhere where I am right now.

And so I wait. Waiting for Jesus sucks sometimes but it's always worth it in the end.

And then Jesus gave me a challenge tonight as I was writing and thinking. The love challenge.....hm....we shall see. My challenge is based on a verse in Romans 12

"Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality."

Find a way to love someone everyday and write it down. And think of a way that Jesus showed me love everyday and write it down.

Everyday.

I'm bad at everyday. This will be a hard challenge. But I'm slowly learning that love is the center of who Jesus is, and therefore the center of who I am. Without love I am nothing. And to love is my calling in life.

Someone told me today that I remind them of a Disney Princess. At first I was slightly insulted....but not for the reason you'd think. I was insulted because I didn't feel worthy of the title. These women are fighters and lovers, and I'm.....not. Think about it....love like a Disney Princess? Hard! They were purposefully written to be like the most perfect women on the face of the planet.

Cinderella found a way to be joyful even in the worst circumstances. If I was locked in a tower with just mice for friends you can bet I would have gone nuts.

Snow White was diligent in her work and made it fun, and was even was happy through the whole thing. And loved Grumpy through it all? Seriously? Ha! I would have kicked him in the butt!

Aurora (Sleeping Beauty for all you non-disney fans) was obedient but opened her heart up for dreaming too. She loved her Fairy Godmothers and the crazy things they did, but also dreamed about a better life without hiding.

Ariel was a firecracker but found beauty and wonder in the simple things. She loved someone and something that her father hated for no reason. And she saw through the lies about humans and loved.

Belle loved a Beast even when she didn't have to and found the beauty in something ugly and brought that beauty out.

Jasmine loved someone despite their station in life.

Are you seeing the common theme? Loving and persevering through all things? And one huge thing...these women were hopeful through all things. And they loved through all things. Yeah, they sometimes had a little help along the way, yeah these girls had faults too, like anyone. They were rebellious and made mistakes....but those faults were part of what made the ending beautiful. If I can love half as much as these women I'll be a fairly happy camper.

I miss staying up late in the coffee house already. I'll have to find one when I'm home to go write. Finally writing is starting to become my obsession. 'Bout time. It's only been my major for roughly a year. BAHAHA.

I'm pretty random sometimes.

I love Disney....and this song....

Disney Princess Video