Thursday, April 22, 2010

Sadness is easier because its surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free.

I was on facebook today between classes. I saw Maci's status, quoting one of my favorite songs.

I've been complaining a lot lately. A lot!

Yeah, I've been having a bad week. Really who hasn't? It's almost finals. People are trying to get ready to move on in life or move into summer. Everyone is stressed! Not just me!

I think somewhere in my head, I thought I was the only one having a hard time. Jesus gently reminded me that this wasn't the case.

I had a good day yesterday. Spanish was canceled so no homework and Woodstock was all day long. It took my good day to realize how my bad days had been effecting people. Have you ever been having a good day and then someone being grouchy ruins it? What if I had been doing that to other people? A few friends commented that I seemed in a better mood yesterday.Yikes? Did I, in my self obsessed pity party, walk all over someone who needed me? Or maybe took someone's good day and made it bad?

Somehow I think that even though Jesus had SEVERAL days that could have been grouchy, he probably didn't ruin someone else's day cause he felt like being grumpy.

Being grumpy is the easy way out.

I guess what I'm saying is...when I start losing hope and looking at the world in a downtrodden light, it doesn't just effect me, if effects the people I love too. It's hard. There are times when I want to have a breakdown, and yeah, breakdowns are ok, but to quote a favorite movie:

"You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling." - Claire Colburn

High Hopes - Frank Sinatra

photo props: -NoNameFace-

Sunday, April 18, 2010

I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be seeing you

"Relax, everything's going to be all right; rest, everything's coming together; open your heart, love is on the way." - Jude 1:2

I'll Be Seeing You - Billie Holiday

Saturday, April 17, 2010

I'm sleeping so little these days

I have been productive today! How refreshing!

So I almost had a mental breakdown the other day. I think I'm pretty close. Probably just one more day or so. I cried on the phone with my mom yesterday. I think that tied me over.

That and I just don't have time to have a mental breakdown at this moment.

Many people want to know why I jokingly referrer to my mental breakdown. Honestly, I figure they are just kinda part of this time of year. I get overwhelmed, I freak out, I take a breather, I talk to Jesus, and I feel better. Honestly, I just want to get it over with cause I always feel better afterward.

It doesn't help that I feel completely incompetent in my poetry class right now and that's supposedly my major. But I love it. I can't stop myself from what I love. Even if I'm not the best.

And I get to bake a sunflower cake tomorrow. Those always help.

Oh, and see the cutest little girl EVER! You just can't be sad when you see her!

Yeah, pretty sure we're tie-dying. Her first time too. I hope Amy doesn't mind if I turn her into a Hippie.

Time to go be productive more. Sad day.

Coffee Break - Forever the Sickest Kids

photo: jennipenni

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Ain't misbehavin', I'm savin' my love for you

"You're really pretty."

I was walking out of the library today when a guy smokin' a cig with some friends called this after me as I climbed in my car.

I stopped, not really sure quite how to react. I ended up calling a hurried thank you over my shoulder as I got in my car.

As I drove down the street, I couldn't help smiling in spite of myself. Yeah, I don't exactly like getting hit on while I'm trying to run a few errands. But there was something in the way he said it. He wasn't trying to get my number, he didn't get up to follow me or make any effort to say anything else, he didn't wolf whistle or call me a hottie or something. He just made a small comment.

And despite myself, I was very flattered.

Sometime I get sick of being single. My best friend is engaged right now, and my other one is close behind her. I'm not really even close. Most of the time I like it. Today, listening to Jazz in the upstairs room of POHO I'm lonely.

I was out till 2 am last night with an old friend. He recently broke up with a girl friend. We went to a RA meeting, and after I wasn't ready to go to bed. I kidnapped him and we got coffee. After, because he was so hyper, we ended up driving north until we found a dead end and laying out looking at the stars and talking for about an hour.

I found out a lot about my old friend in this hour. More than I thought was possible to hear in one night. He kept apologizing, saying he never rambled like this. I enjoyed hearing him.

But I think that's probably the most lonely I've felt for awhile. Listening to someone talk about seeing that special someone across the subway station and just holding them for five minutes, all while laying in the middle of nowhere under a huge roof of stars.

Yeah, lonely is a good word.

Very few people know about my huge obsession with old jazz. I consider Ella, Frank, Dean, Billie and Nat old friends.

So I guess in the words of Billie, "No one to talk with, All by myself, No one to walk with, But I'm happy on the shelf Ain't misbehavin',I'm savin' my love for you."

Ain't Misbehavin'
- Billie Holiday

photo by TakenPictures'

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I don't miss you at all


I don't like immunization shots. It's not like I told the lady at the health clinic. I don't mind needles. I have 2 tattoos and 7 piercings. I don't mind needles. I don't like someone putting something foreign in my body and then telling me it's good for me. Yeah, not really the best. I know they supposedly help, but call me a hippie, I don't like it. I almost cried afterward...not cause of the hurt but the feeling of being infused with something that was bad. Bad to cause good.

Sounds weird to me.

Norah Jones suits my mood right now. I don't feel well cause of the Typhoid pills I'm on, although thankfully I'm not getting weird dreams yet. We'll just see how tonight goes. I can't imagine feeling 10x worse than this with real Typhoid. Makes me feel for the kids I'm going to see. Makes me want to kick something too. Maybe that's just my frustration talking though.

Also, I'm glad Jesus doesn't care about bad grades. Yeah. We won't talk about that.

I feel melancholy. I feel selfish. I feel unentered. I'm the clay. And when you're the clay you have to be centered on the wheel before the potter can make anything out of you. But in order to center, you have to push and shove and use force. Well right now I'm pushing back. That's probably not the best idea when the potter is Jesus.

Hey, I never said I was a good christian. Just that I was one :-)

You know, he's pretty great. I know I say this in a lot of my blog post but I really believe it. He loves me in my stubborn self centered self pitying times. Like tonight. I mean, seriously, you gotta be pretty awesome to do that. I like to think I don't miss him. I like to think I'm fine without him. I'm not really. I just like to pretend.

Don't Miss You at All
- Norah Jones

Photo from dpchallenge

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Cue Hallelujah Chorus

Me right now

Yup. That about sums it up.

I raised all my money for Uganda!

I would add more exclamation points, but I find them obnoxious.

Oh what the heck

I'M GOING TO AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow...I'm shocked at my sudden outburst.

Appropriate Music

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I never want to see it end

An Ode to HTC:

I remember watching a HST show for the first time (back when it was still HST and not HTC). I remember jiggling my knee up and down wanting to be on stage with everyone else. I remember trying out for my first play and getting the part of a Keystone Cop.

I remember the day I met what I didn't know was to become my family, including 2 best friends that are now sure to be in my life until the day I die.

HTC has, after a very long time, finally died. There was to be one last show, but it wasn't meant to be. Too many problems. And so it's dying without a final goodbye.

Can you tell I'm a little melodramatic about this whole thing? Yeah, thought you could.

No but seriously, it really does feel like a small piece of my childhood is dying. I mean, yeah, things kinda died unofficially when Bobs left. But no it's really for sure completely and totally over.


People ask me a lot if I'm anti social cause I was homeschooled. HTC was the reason I wasn't. First love, best friends, laughter to the 10th degree! Everyday laughter.

I love it!

You'll just have to forgive my nostalgia.

My Fair Lady: Light Test

Romeo and Juliet: Maci and Hannah

Romeo and Juliet: Sexiest Man Alive Award (Noah)

Romeo and Juliet: Spirit of Animosity

Romeo and Juliet: Cast Party

Romeo and Juliet: Little Kid Production

Romeo and Juliet: Curtain Call

Romeo and Juliet: Awards Banquet

Romeo and Juliet: Awards Banquet (Getting my Poster)

Seusical: Rehearsal

Seusical: Rehearsal (Beckie dancing)

Seusical: Rehearsal

Seusical: Opening Night

Seusical: Opening Night

Seusical: Cast Pictures

Seusical: Solo

A Midsummer Night's Dream: Lighting the Stage

Once Upon a Mattress: Cast Pictures

Once Upon a Mattress: Cast Pictures

Man of Lamancha: Last scene

Man of Lamancha: Action Shot

So many memroies. So many more that aren't here. I'll miss you family!

Summer's Song - Dear Juliet