Sunday, February 21, 2010

Will you begin right where I end?

So I have been called immature by 2 different people in 2 different contexts this month as well as been told that I cannot simply be, that I must do. Makes one pause and stop for self examination, especially when you have a 3 hour drive with nothing but a christian radio station and lots of snow.

I realize that I am not a typical grown up, and yes I do consider myself a grown up. I collect Disney movies, I go crazy for tiaras and twirly skirts...sweet goodness I still sleep with a freakin' teddy bear (which I just got a week ago mind you). I take joys in the small thigs.

Kind like this: What's so great about bubbles?

I act like a very small child in many different ways, even going as far as having a little kid voice I occasionally talk in. I realize if you aren't used to this it can be annoying. I realize if you are very used to this it can also be annoying. I realize that I need to learn when to be a little kid and when to grow up, and I realize that I'm not perfect at the distinguishing when to make these distinctions yet.

But I've never been called immature. It made me pause. It very nearly forced me to consider putting away my Disney Princess toys for the time being until I have a little girl around again and can "allow" myself to be little again. Almost.

I think people think I'm a lot more secure in my little kid ways than I am. I'm still incredibly self conscious about it, because here's the thing. It's not just an act. I really do try to have the mind and heart of a 5 year old, and there is something people forget about 5 year olds...their hearts are open.

A 5 year old little girl hasn't been scarred by the world yet. She isn't bitter towards people and she isn't afraid to be delighted in. The world tells girls somewhere along the way that we have to stop wanting to be delighted in and stop wanting to be told we're beautiful. We're told that we're too much and that we need to grow up. Grow up and grow some tough skin too cause the world isn't a nice place.

I lived like that for a long time, rejecting my little girl heart and trying to be what I thought the world wanted from me. I grew tough skin, although the words would still pierce through it sometimes. But then Jesus started stripping that skin away. It was a huge and long process, but I feel like I've finally gotten back to the place of having a child like faith and heart, which is something Jesus actually asks of us in the bible, doncha know.

Problem, open heart means assaults to it hurt...a lot. A lot more than they used to. Now that I'm trying to live with my heart open I find that painful and hurtful words are a lot harder to ignore. It's like I'm that 5 year old all over again being told to grow tough skin and shut down my heart, but I've seen the lies, and I don't want to go back to that place.

I guess that's probably why people telling me I'm immature hurts so bad. The 2 people who told me this aren't close friends. They aren't people that I trust to speak truth into my life, but their words still pierced a small hole into my heart.

But that's why Jesus is so great. He's jealous for my heart, especially now that he's helped reawaken it to the joys of being delighted in and open. He doesn't want me to lose that. And so as I ran to him, he caught me and comforted me just like a daddy should when his little girl's heart has been assaulted. He helped me see the lies, even though they hurt.

I guess what I'm trying to say may see me as immature, but I know I'm not. I know that I'm simply trying to live the way I feel that Jesus has called me. It may not be so literal for some women, but for me, it means enjoying the things of childhood and living with an open heart. *Shrugs* good enough for me.

Besides, “To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.” - William Arthur Ward

Savior Please - Josh Wilson

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Monday, February 15, 2010

I like when we surely like one another

So, this post might get me some grief, but just roll with me on this. I'm single and I really like Valentines Day. Weird I know. I actually look forward to it and think about it ahead of time. I could pull the whole "Jesus is my valentine" angle, and while this is's not really why I like valentines least not totally.

I love valentines day for a very special group of people often known as C.H.E.M. (Cadie, Hannah, Emily, and Maci.) Most people know about this friendship group that has formed so I won't spend a ton of time. Quick back story. I've known these ladies for close to a decade. A little less with some and a little more with others. But because of outside circumstances we didn't really connect until about three years ago. They've helped me realize the person I am. 1/2 birthdays, crazy Christmas celebrations, card games, and confession nights over ice cream from the carton are some of the few traditions that keep us gelled and molded together.

When the time begins approaching Valentines Day it always makes me reflect on these girls, and how they love me better than any boyfriend I've ever had.

Urban Dictionary defined love as -

- noun

1. Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.

Yeah...bull crap. No way, no way. It makes it sound so simple. It's not this simple. So why did I choose this definition? Because I feel like this is what most people think of love. Choosing to love someone is sometimes so much harder. There were times when these ladies chose to love me. Like when I cry about useless things, put myself down, or am not as considerate as I should be. Sometimes it's a choice to love Cadie when she's so stubborn, or love Maci when she always beats me at amazing gifts (you know I love it Mac, speaking of which, this year I got an Ariel Pez dispenser and an awesome handmade card for Valentines Day), or love Mim when her and I bicker about pointless stuff, like wedding dresses (Baha! 2 opinionated girls that work at bridal stores isn't always the best.)

Sometimes I don't want to be with them all the time. Actually, I'm pretty sure if we were together all the time I would rip someone's head off. That doesn't mean I don't love them. But I chose to love these 3 girls, and it's probably one of the smartest choices I've ever made in my life.

Last year Maci and I had to force Cadie and Mim to hang out with their boyfriends instead of us for Valentines Day. Well, maybe force is the wrong word. After all, Austin and Zach are becoming as much a part of the family as the girls, but there's really nothing quite like the love of a girlfriend.

I heard this song this morning, and I instantly thought of these girls. We'll just add it to the list of love songs that remind me of them.

Shh - Donora

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Copy and Paste Title Here

I haven't had time to stop for about a week, and really...I should still be going right now, but do you ever just figure...despite everything, despite the fact that I have a test tomorrow and a poem to write and shopping to get done and Spanish to study, I'm just going to stop.'s nice. I wasn't going to stop, but I started listening to a song K put on her blog, Glitter in the Air. Awesome. Thanks K. It really just make my day so much better.

I just went to title my blog, "half past the point of oblivion" (a lyric from the song) and I realized that K had already titled her blog that. MAHA. We really do think alike K.

I turn 21 tomorrow and I'm still not quite sure who I am or who I'm going to be. I'm pretty much ok with this. I'm learning slowly. I'm discovering my heart slowly. It's like a little present I unwrap a little more everyday. Or as Shrek put it, an onion. People have been embracing all of these layers I have which makes it a little easier to keep pealing.

I had an conversation with my poetry teacher today. I'm in the funk, this place where I have a completely inability to write, and I've felt so discouraged. He had some great suggestions. I have hope again. I have faith that I really am supposed to be writing for some reason...I just haven't gotten that far in the layers of Hannah's heart yet.

I sometimes still feel lonely. I'm sometimes bitter to the fact that I haven't had a boyfriend for a year and a half. But I wouldn't be this interested in knowing myself if I had a boyfriend. I wouldn't have this much time to figure out exactly who I am. It's like I'm falling in love with my own heart. Is that egotistical? Maybe? Hm...well, it's how I feel...I'll go with it.

*sigh* I love quiet afternoons. Now if I can just make it till tomorrow when mommy comes down.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

Glitter in the Air - Pink

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Monday, February 1, 2010

At least I'm not as sad as I used to be

I think I've convinced myself that I can't update this thing unless I have something "worthwhile" to write about. Just so you know, this won't be one of those posts. This is purely going to be a write down what ever the heck my fingers decide they want to type.

First on the agenda, a bit of self pity. Now before you completely stop reading just let me defend myself. It was a semi-hard day. I lost my MP3 player (and you know how I love music.) Sad day. Also, I had my poem critiqued today in poetry class (for those of you that don't know, Creative Writing-Poetry is my major) and it got ripped to little tiny pieces. Like we're talking voided check, picture of ex boyfriend, journal entry about a certain boy ripped to shreds. Whew. Tough.

And so I called a friend. And I insisted on coffee. And I ran away from my floor (not that I don't love them with every fiber in my being, just needed quiet time). And now in the safety of my 2nd favorite coffee house I can process some stuff.

Ever get the feeling that Jesus is giggling at you. And you can't just help but giggle with him. I had one of those last night. I literally could hear him in heaven just shaking his head and laughing at me. I remember vividly yelling at my ceiling, "Don't laugh at meeeeee!" while also laughing myself.

It's times like those that I know 110% that God is completely and totally real. Not when I'm having some super-spiritual fall-on-your-knees experience. But when I'm laying in my bed at 2 AM laughing with Jesus. It's hysterical.

I turn 21 in 10 days. Not that I'm counting. It's a weird feeling. I feel very little. I don't feel that it should be legal for me to consume alcohol. I'm weird enough without it.

The song of choice...very much my mood right now. "At least I'm not as sad as I used to be." So true. Cause no matter what, I've got Jesus. I can never been as sad as I used to be. He's pretty awesome that way. Just FYI.

Also, I'm seeing Fun in just a few weeks. Booya! And in honor of the beautiful you go!

At Least I'm Not As Sad (As I Used To Be) - Fun

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