Sunday, March 29, 2009

Slipping through the Bars

I like this going with whatever lyrics are on at the time with my post title. I really do feel a bit like I'm slipping through the bars. Things feel hectic, overflowing sinks, tests galore, loud people, and a grumpy girl.

My heart it breaking for children who are being forced into a brutal war. I prayed with M tonight, and one of the first prayers out of my mouth was "thank you Jesus that Emmanuel (the little boy I adopted from Kenya) doesn't live in Uganda". Jesus do I help? Do I give the money I don't have to children that did nothing more than be born into a perverse and sick world that treats them like animals? Please give me money, somehow, for these kids.

I would post a link, but everyone who reads this blog has seen the horrors I'm talking about.

And then there is the matter of my heart. A direct quote from Jesus today, "he may be traipsing about in your fluid areas, but I am all up in your inner sanctum so don't even worry about it."

Yeah, that just happened. I laughed outright.

But I still want to be careful. I keep hearing wait. So I am waiting, and I am hoping, and I am praying for you.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Blue Eyes

It's funny how I find a kindred spirit and a musical soulmate all in one package, wrapped up with crazy hair, amazing fashion, a listening ear and a sense of humor to boot.

Or that I found a person that is not ashamed to know every aspect of my entire life, and love me through it. That knows the secrets that I didn't even want Jesus to know.

Or that I found someone that makes me laugh, literally, till I cry, and has changed my thinking with the revolutionary idea of "fluid areas"......and made me laugh while changing my life. That's talent.

Or that I find someone so perfect for me (in my own opinion) that it literally causes me physical pain, but I wouldn't trade friendship for anything. Selfish perhaps. I'm working on that one.

I wrote another song last night. Actually, it's kinda funny. I was looking through one of my old journals from when I was 15, and I found it tucked away between the pages. I rewrote some of the verses and put music to it. It's funny that not a lot changes in 5 years except the boy I'm writing about. And my attitude about whatever boy it is.

And yet, Jesus really is helping me keep bitterness out of my life. So for now, I sit, and wait, at Jesus's feet for whatever is to come. Record deals? Boyfriends? Blue eyed children? Wedding planning galor?

My mom told me about "I am" prayers a few years ago. I love the idea. Jesus says to pray in his name. Well Jesus has lots of names.....seriously.....there are tons. My favorite is El Roi (God who sees me), but one of his names is "I am". When you pray in Jesus's name you can be using positive thinking and also praying for improvment. Praying for positive things instead of negative things. It's amazing. For example. "I am...sitting at Jesus's feet and trusting in his plan for my life". Now this might not be completely true at this point, but in praying in Jesus's name, I am stating truth into my life and praying for what I want. mom blows my mind sometimes. She needs to write a book.

So, I am trusting Jesus to work my life for the best good.

P.S.- I need to find something I'm passionate about. CB has invisable children, M has young girls with sexual sin issues....I don't really have anything, but at the same time it's not exactly something you can just pick out on the fly.

I am trusting Jesus to bring me something to be passionate about.

And of course the inspiration for this post.

Blue Eyes- By the Carey Brothers
dedicated to K and our mutual love for those all too Blue Eyes

"I just wanna sing a song with you......cause blue eyes, you're all that I need.....cause blue eyes you're the secret I keep" *fad out in an artistic manner*

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Awkward Moments Day

I dedicate this day to my dear friend (I'm sure you know who you are.) Today is actually a holiday....a bonified holiday called Awkward Moments Day. You can't make this stuff up. The awkward turtle ran all the way past India and is over on the west coast again.

It's strange that on awkward moment's day I actually feel awkward, or uneasy rather. Unsatisfied....? Nope none of these words are fitting. Possibly guilty? Yes....this could be it.

There is a boy who likes me. I don't return the feelings, my heart is entirely too wrapped up with someone completely different. Yet I love the attention. I love having someone to think I'm pretty and amazing when the real boy I want attention from doesn't. Is this not selfish? Yes....guilt....that was definitely the emotion.

Why is it that I have such a hard time accepting the fact that Jesus loves me, all of me, and that's enough? Girls seriously? Why? I just don't understand how it isn't enough that the creator of the universe thinks I'm the bees knees and I have to have attention from other boys?

Jesus......Rai.......I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry. We talked tonight about how you used Rahab even though she was a prostitute and a traitor. Maybe I'm not a prositutue, but I'm not loving this boy with Jesus love. That makes me sick to my stomach to think about. Use me even in my complete failur and selfishness and transform me into someone who loves your people well, not through any of my own love, but in love straight from you.

Maybe it's a good think I'm not doing the "boy fast" I was considering. Having to hand this stuff over to Jesus every day is helping me focus on what a big problem it is in my life. Maybe I wasn't meant to fast because that would make it too easy. I would just ignor the problem for a year. But this way I have to get up and face things in my life that aren't ok.

I love it when Jesus knows what he's doing.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Silly Things

I lost Disney Scene-It tonight. HA. Even just typing that out makes me laugh a little bit at myself. I was playing against 6 people, just by myself. I rolled 2's the whole time. And I moped. I don't know why I felt the need to write about this, but I think God's showing me how easy it is to come down from my little "Hope You Dance" high.

And yet the stars are so pretty. The wind smells like Spring. St. Patty's Day is tomorrow. Freddy is in tune and playing better than ever. I'm a princess of the high king and he loves me more than air. Pumpkins are all over my room. Ariel is pretty.

*Sigh* Yes, that's better. Focusing on the good is always better.

People usually call me a good lover of people, but am I a good lover of people or just of the people I want to love. I find myself becoming a somewhat selfish person, only loving when it's convenient. That's not ok. Jesus didn't love when it was convenient, he loved when it was messy, and he loved without condemnation, something that I can't quite seem to grasp no matter how hard I try.

But Jesus will endure. He's so good. Sometimes I just don't get it. You know what's funny too? He cares that I was bummed that I lost Disney Scene-It, cause I cared. He cares cause I care. That's love right there. To get bummed with me. Teehee. I love Jesus.

Marie Digby is good. I'm loving her just a little bit. This song seems to fit my life right now. I would love to have a sound like her for Honey&Molasses. Take note friend. Stupid for You

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I Hope You Dance

I've realized today that I've been sad. People generally know me as a very bubbly person, but lately life has been getting me down. I've been bitter, I've been trying to lead my life instead of letting Jesus. But Jesus is amazing and by his grace, I have amazing people around me to pick me up, brush me off, and tell me it's ok.

My best friend send me a book in the mail today called "I hope you Dance" going through each one of the lines in Lee Ann Womack's song. It really spoke to my heart, reawaken it. Just cause things don't go my way, doesn't give me the right to stop looking at the world with wonder in my eyes.

This is a pretty amazing place. There are stars that come out every night, there is a great big world and life out there, and I'm young. I have my whole life to enjoy it. Thank you Jesus for waking up the quiet and sad places of my heart.

I wish I could post the entier book on here, but I'll leave you with the quote that really got the tears flowing.

"Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making. Love. Love. Love. You have to love, and if you don't get love right, you have to move on and forgive. And then you have to remember that you've forgiven, or else you can't move on. And if you don't move on, you'll surely end up...bitter. There are too many people too angry at a world that isn't in the least bit angry at them."