I dedicate this day to my dear friend (I'm sure you know who you are.) Today is actually a holiday....a bonified holiday called Awkward Moments Day. You can't make this stuff up. The awkward turtle ran all the way past India and is over on the west coast again.
It's strange that on awkward moment's day I actually feel awkward, or uneasy rather. Unsatisfied....? Nope none of these words are fitting. Possibly guilty? Yes....this could be it.
There is a boy who likes me. I don't return the feelings, my heart is entirely too wrapped up with someone completely different. Yet I love the attention. I love having someone to think I'm pretty and amazing when the real boy I want attention from doesn't. Is this not selfish? Yes....guilt....that was definitely the emotion.
Why is it that I have such a hard time accepting the fact that Jesus loves me, all of me, and that's enough? Girls seriously? Why? I just don't understand how it isn't enough that the creator of the universe thinks I'm the bees knees and I have to have attention from other boys?
Jesus......Rai.......I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry. We talked tonight about how you used Rahab even though she was a prostitute and a traitor. Maybe I'm not a prositutue, but I'm not loving this boy with Jesus love. That makes me sick to my stomach to think about. Use me even in my complete failur and selfishness and transform me into someone who loves your people well, not through any of my own love, but in love straight from you.
Maybe it's a good think I'm not doing the "boy fast" I was considering. Having to hand this stuff over to Jesus every day is helping me focus on what a big problem it is in my life. Maybe I wasn't meant to fast because that would make it too easy. I would just ignor the problem for a year. But this way I have to get up and face things in my life that aren't ok.
I love it when Jesus knows what he's doing.