Sunday, February 21, 2010
Will you begin right where I end?
Dreamed up by Hannah Elizabeth
So I have been called immature by 2 different people in 2 different contexts this month as well as been told that I cannot simply be, that I must do. Makes one pause and stop for self examination, especially when you have a 3 hour drive with nothing but a christian radio station and lots of snow.
I realize that I am not a typical grown up, and yes I do consider myself a grown up. I collect Disney movies, I go crazy for tiaras and twirly skirts...sweet goodness I still sleep with a freakin' teddy bear (which I just got a week ago mind you). I take joys in the small thigs.
Kind like this: What's so great about bubbles?
I act like a very small child in many different ways, even going as far as having a little kid voice I occasionally talk in. I realize if you aren't used to this it can be annoying. I realize if you are very used to this it can also be annoying. I realize that I need to learn when to be a little kid and when to grow up, and I realize that I'm not perfect at the distinguishing when to make these distinctions yet.
But I've never been called immature. It made me pause. It very nearly forced me to consider putting away my Disney Princess toys for the time being until I have a little girl around again and can "allow" myself to be little again. Almost.
I think people think I'm a lot more secure in my little kid ways than I am. I'm still incredibly self conscious about it, because here's the thing. It's not just an act. I really do try to have the mind and heart of a 5 year old, and there is something people forget about 5 year olds...their hearts are open.
A 5 year old little girl hasn't been scarred by the world yet. She isn't bitter towards people and she isn't afraid to be delighted in. The world tells girls somewhere along the way that we have to stop wanting to be delighted in and stop wanting to be told we're beautiful. We're told that we're too much and that we need to grow up. Grow up and grow some tough skin too cause the world isn't a nice place.
I lived like that for a long time, rejecting my little girl heart and trying to be what I thought the world wanted from me. I grew tough skin, although the words would still pierce through it sometimes. But then Jesus started stripping that skin away. It was a huge and long process, but I feel like I've finally gotten back to the place of having a child like faith and heart, which is something Jesus actually asks of us in the bible, doncha know.
Problem, open heart means assaults to it hurt...a lot. A lot more than they used to. Now that I'm trying to live with my heart open I find that painful and hurtful words are a lot harder to ignore. It's like I'm that 5 year old all over again being told to grow tough skin and shut down my heart, but I've seen the lies, and I don't want to go back to that place.
I guess that's probably why people telling me I'm immature hurts so bad. The 2 people who told me this aren't close friends. They aren't people that I trust to speak truth into my life, but their words still pierced a small hole into my heart.
But that's why Jesus is so great. He's jealous for my heart, especially now that he's helped reawaken it to the joys of being delighted in and open. He doesn't want me to lose that. And so as I ran to him, he caught me and comforted me just like a daddy should when his little girl's heart has been assaulted. He helped me see the lies, even though they hurt.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...you may see me as immature, but I know I'm not. I know that I'm simply trying to live the way I feel that Jesus has called me. It may not be so literal for some women, but for me, it means enjoying the things of childhood and living with an open heart. *Shrugs* good enough for me.
Besides, “To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.” - William Arthur Ward
Savior Please - Josh Wilson
Photo courtesy of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lacountyfair/