Oh Hannah

It's been an "Oh Hannah" week. 

I skyped with Kit yesterday. Don't you love it when Jesus puts people in your life, people you depend on so entirely, just to find out that God has even more in store for your friendship. I find myself growing closer to my maid-of-honor than I thought was possible, and realizing how entirely Jesus has placed her in my life. 

I was talking to her about my week. She laughed at the end of my 20 minute ramble of complete nonsense of a week and said..."So not only are you working and planning a wedding, but you're thinking about all that too? Oh Hannah."

It was an "Oh Hannah" week. 

It was a week of thinking. My job leaves a lot of room for thinking. Meditating? Sure. 

About marriage. About putting this man (when I'm serious he switches out of boy snail mode) entirely before myself. 

About friendships, and the death of them. And how insecure that leaves me feeling. 

About God. And the bigness of his love. And the stretches of the universe. And the concept of eternity. 

About adventure. About how I've always said I want adventure in my life, and yet when it comes, I shy away. 

Yes, an "Oh Hannah" week. 

So please forgive me for abandoning Neverland for a bit. My thoughts have been a little to big for this small piece of my heart. 

But I love you Neverland, even if I've been thinking very grown up thoughts lately. 

Boring Pills

I usually have a morning a few days after school starts that I have a mini freak out. 

I feel old. I feel grown up. I feel boring and uninteresting.

I asked Isaac to promise me if we ever get married that we won't turn old and boring. 

His response? "What do you think we'll get married and take boring pills? [robot voice] Married units 2257 reporting for duty. We have no personalities"

But there is something about constantly thinking about the future and the bills and getting to work on time that tends to kill a soul slowly. I find I started thinking about grocery money instead of the wonderful family dinner I could make with the groceries, I think of coffee as a device to keep me awake instead of a device to keep me connected with friends and help me relax, I think of writing as my job rather than my passion. 

Scary. 

But then I remember that nobody has to make me boring. Nobody said I had to focus on money and status instead of the things that matter most. 

And so I dig my Disney Princess coffee mug out of the back of the cabinet, pour in some hot coffee, and relax, and breathe, and remember that growing up doesn't mean growing boring. 

Ferris Wheel - Offset Sunset

From my work for your enjoyment

photo props here

"I love gym. Gym gets and A+. Miss. Hannah, do you know what an A+ is?" - Joel, Age 3

"It's a binactibinator" - Jackson, Age 5

"I don't know what to do with you. - Parker (Jackson's sister), Age 4

"I have water in my tummy...and goldfish...and alligators!" - Chloe, Age 4

"Jackson is looking at meeeee" - Parker, Age 4

*while holding up an empty toilet paper roll to his eyes with his pants and underwear down around his ankles*

 "Arg! I'm a pirate!" - Ethan, Age 2 

Makin' it Easy

"Let no one who loves be unhappy, even love unreturned has its rainbow." - J.M. Barrie

photo props me

It's funny when a little online test can tell you things you already knew, but had forgotten a little. 

"Hannah is most likely benevolent, voluntarily giving of self to help others, especially regarding current pain, hurts, stress, needs, and problems." - MAPP Assessment

I sure hope so. 

I'm finding it hard to say what I mean. And express that while I'm not great at this whole benevolent thing, it's kind of a little dream I have to be better at it. And fill my life with little rainbows of love, shooting up and out from all parts of myself. 

And maybe, continue to grow down instead of up, kind of like a pretty amazing author I kinda like a lot.

So what have we learned from all this randomness?

1. Hannah desires rainbows of love in her life

B. Hannah wants to live up to her MAPP assessment and be benevolent towards all people

III) Hannah wants to find a way to remember Peter Pan, but live in the grown up world too.

She hasn't really figured any of these out yet, but she'll keep you posted.

photo props me

...and falling in love wouldn't be so bad either. 

1234 - Plain White T's

I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define

photo props we heart it

"People always want to define you by what you do. I started saying, "I'm not too concerned with what I am going to do. I am more interested in who I am becoming. I want to be a lover of God and people." - The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

When I say I'm majoring in creative writing people look at me funny. It kinda makes me smile. I hear the question before they ask it.

"So what are you gunna do with a degree in that?" - Everybody

"I don't know. Be happy I hope." - Me

*Smiles and nods like they understand* - Everybody

"All I know, is if I can learn to love...really love: people, Jesus, myself, my enemies...before I die. I will call it a good." - Me

"I remembered Mother Teresa saying, "Do not worry about your career. Concern yourself with your vocation, and that is to be lovers of Jesus." So I started calling myself a vocational lover." - The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

Occupation? Lover of Jesus, lover of men.

Yeah, I like the sound of that one.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Also, on a very side note...I think this post secret was written about me. Just sayin'.

photo props postsecret.com

The First Single - The Format

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

photos props we heart it

I'm completely moved in. It's been 2 days and I have a fully stocked fridge, decorated apartment, and not a box in sight. But it's kind an empty feeling. I haven't felt like myself. I have felt different.

I think I'm scared I'm growing up a little too much. So much responsibility: pay rent, feed the dog, buy groceries.

I was talking to mom, hoping to make myself feel better.

But you know what made me feel much better. After I got off the phone with mom, I turned on the TV and Hannah Montana was on.

Yes, I do believe that I'm just the right amount of grown up.

Airplanes - B.o.B

Like a bird from these prison walls I'll fly away

photo props to American Airways

It was a weird sensation walking into a place someone you love, loves. My Uncle, Jerry Stark, was a professional croquet player. Ranked 5th in the United States and was on several champion teams. He was incredible. He died about a month ago and the funeral was this weekend on his croquet lawn. Yes you can laugh at his picture. I know. He doesn't look it. He's 6'1'' and a personality to boot! Loves BBQ. Ate BBQ everyday when he was in KC.

When we got to the memorial service I didn't know what to expect. I felt awkward. This was a part of my Uncle I didn't know. Many told stories about his mallet flying over nearby hedges when he missed a particularly easy shot. Him and my cousin Zac would TORTURE me for hours and hours when they came in to see me. Teasing that makes even my brothers look like angels. I loved it, even though I complained the whole time.

Regreats: I never played croquet with him, and I never went to see him in Cali.

Hilariously awesome is a fitting description. Everything about my Uncle screamed I'm not normal! I'm amazing!

He got to do what he LOVED. His passion. I pray to Jesus that I'm as happy as Uncle Jerry when I get old. When I grow up...I want to be happy.

I'll Fly Away - Alison Krauss (one of his favorites)

photo props to Connally