Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Never found enything else to do but waiting for you

Ever feel like this when you're waiting for Jesus?

I was getting ready to get in bed tonight. It was a little rocky of a night. Ever have one of those days where you look back and think, "well what good did I do for the kingdom of heaven today?" And the answer you come up with is "nothing." Yeah.

It's not that I felt like today was a particularly bad day. On the contrary, I got a lot done and am completely caught up on my homework. I even finished a poem (for now). And yet, I look back on today and am disappointed with myself.

I look back and think of things I could have and should have done differently, of the people I could have loved. Of the decisions that I should have made.

And I get ready to climb in bed and I hear the voice that I'm starting to recognize as the devil trying to disguise himself as Jesus saying, "You don't have just a little time for me? Just a little time in your crazy busy schedule? Or am I just not important enough to you?" Ouch. And I start to say back, "No, but when I get going with you it's hard to stop. When I start talking to you I can't pretend that there aren't some issues to face. When I start talking to you, I can't hide."

It's kinda sucky not being able to hide. And the majority of the time I talk to Jesus I hear "Be still, and know that I am God." Hence the tattoo. I find that quiet time usually is just waiting. An active waiting. A waiting that is being with Jesus in the process. A waiting WITH Jesus, not for him.

But waiting is hard. Waiting is usually quiet. And I tend to get like the little boy in the picture and wait with a bad attitude. I wait for Jesus instead of waiting WITH Jesus. It's so hard though! To wait. In my mind waiting is quiet. I hate being quiet with Jesus. The blanket gets torn off when I wait for Jesus and I am nothing but exactly what I am.

Even on the best days, even on the days when I am as high as a kite, that's not good. Me on my best day is not good.

But Jesus is good. I mean that's why he came right? I think maybe this is me going through my "rebellious" stage. I hate the feeling of being so out of control of my life. And the fact that when I do take control I mess it up doesn't seem to help things.

It's's ok. I just have to remind myself that's not that bad. If I can just get over the being vunerable thing.

Yeah...easier said than done. But as always, Jesus will see me through!

Waiting for You - Ben Harper

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