"And now I spend my days in search of a woman we called purpose
And if I ever pass back through her town I'll stay"
- The Avett Brothers
My brother has some of the best taste in music of anyone I've met. He was the person that bought me my first Jack Johnson, Sufjan Stevens, and Fleet Foxes CD (yes this was when it was still CDs).
Among many things, something I miss most is riding in his car and grabbing his I-pod to see who in the world possesses the beautiful voice that was coming from his speakers.
I'm not sad. I keep telling myself that and I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's true, but my thoughts make it seem like I am. I'm... dissatisfied. Almost worse really. I don't feel sad but I want more. I want to feel the wonderful of my life more.
I suppose that comes down to wanting more stuff too, which really won't help anything so it makes me feel dumb to want more. Yes, I want stuff, but not the stuff you might think.
I want a backyard with a garden and a tea set, welcoming friends to come and sit and rest and stay. I want a view of the mountains and hiking trails in my backyard. I want to be modivated to exercise and eat well and I want to grow my own food. I want to travel and meet people and raise babies to children and children to adults and live in the city and live in the country and live without electricity and sew my own dresses that are beautiful.
I want to live, not the life I've been given, but the life I'm creating in my head.
But that's not the life I'm given now. We don't have the money to move to Colorado and travel to New York and buy a house with a big backyard. We have enough to buy groceries and dog food. That's the life I've been given now, and I want to start living it before it goes away. I need to start living it before it goes away.
Am I alone in this? Or is this a human emotion, to want a life that's so much bigger than the one you've been given for the time being. What do you think?