There is no telling how long this will last...

...please don't think me rash friends, cause I really have been toying with the idea for awhile.

Neverland has always been a place for dreaming and planning and lots of imagination exercise, but never a place for poetry.

But I find that the more I write, the more I want to share, especially when I write about Africa. 

There's no telling how long it will last, for if (fingers crossed) I get published, the poems will start disappearing and I'll move on to more professional ventures.

But for now...I submit for the blogger world's enjoyment...

No one else can speak the words on your lips

photo props we heart it

And yet the prospect of studying does not intrigue me. And yet I procrastinate instead of write the stories down that I should be writing down. The stories that I promised myself I would write down.

I love stories. But is that enough to make it my major? I feel like one fell swoop could take me out and I would loose confidence and my will to push through and let my writing be read.

People tell me:

"If you don't learn to like yourself, how will anyone else?" - Elizabeth East

I just want to make sure I have something to say. I just want to make sure that you see what I see.

photo props we heart it

Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield

You can't deny you want a happy ending

It's hard to bring myself to post again after my Christmas post as it's been getting a lot of traffic, so if you're looking for that one you'll find it below, but I just watched an amazing movie and need to process a bit.

Spoiler Alert! Don't read if you don't want (500) Days of Summer spoiled somewhat.

I just finished watching (500) Days of Summer. I truly believe it's a must see for all girls...well really just all people in general, but especially females. And it's interesting that the "girl" is actually the boy in the story. The boy that falls in love with the wrong girl.

I think every girl has gone through what he's gone through. The feeling of knowing...knowing without a doubt that you are going to marry someone. Knowing that no matter how bad things get that they are completely and totally the one for you...

And then having to watch yourself be wrong.

I have. I have, without a doubt, known I was going to marry someone.

And then watched myself be wrong.

It was such a heart awakening for me, watching him go through the same doubts I did. Watching him rejecting love of all kind. Watching him doubt that love even exists and become bitter. Watching him watch her. My heart seems to keep coming out of a deep sleep. I'm not the only one who has done this. Cause let me tell you, you feel pretty stupid when you finally realize after a year or so that it's just not going to happen...that it's not what is meant to be. It sucks to feel so wrong about something...but I think it's part of our nature as humans.

I was talking to Aunt M yesterday. I seem to be talking to a lot of people lately. But we were talking about how we as humans want to figure everything out and make everything make sense right now and how that's really just cutting ourselves off from our heart. When we try to figure things out in our head before God's timing it cuts of off from enjoying what's right before us.

I wrote a song about loving someone I shouldn't. And in the song, I end up with that person. That's not how that story really ends. It's been a long time coming, and I've known for awhile that it's not how the story ends. But the prideful part of me didn't want to admit it.

I think sometimes when a story ends we're scared there's no sequel. But Jesus is a pretty amazing author. And he has so many more creative things for us. We just need to learn how to let go and embrace them. I need to learn to let go and embrace them.

I worry, like every other girl my age I think, that I won't find the boy that is meant for me...I tell people that I've had the worst year ever when it comes to boys. That they suck and I'm giving up on them for good. But that's not really right. They just weren't the right ones. Or as Summer put it when she does finally find the right one...

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.

Tom: Knew what?

Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

Tom was sure. Summer wasn't. Tom got hurt...but it's not the end of the story. You have to pick up the sequel. Or keep turning the pages. So I'm wrong. I'll admit it. I'm wrong. The story didn't happen in reality like the one in my head. But I'm gunna keep turning. I'm gunna pick up the sequel. And I'm gunna let Jesus be the author instead of me (even if I do like to write).

Musical Inspiration

She's Got You High: Mumm-Ra

Us: Regina Spektor

Aaaaaand....cue coffeehouse.

Yeah, I found one here at home. Hooray. Cause pretty sure I was already going through coffeehouse withdrawal. Not coffee withdrawal mind you...I can get that at home. Just coffeehouse withdrawal. Ah, smell that fresh ground coffee? Mmmmm. So good.

And so on to work on my book. I have no idea if it's actually going to be any good, but I really need something to do over break other than making Christmas presents. BAHA. I'm so poor. I'm so poor that I don't have jeans without holes in them right now. My mom thought it was funny.....I didn't so much.

Ok, so true story. I was talking to my brother this morning and he wants to go se Avatar tomorrow night. Wow.....Avatar was not caught by spellcheck...weird. Anyways, I told my brother that I wanted to bring my Happy Meal Avatar toys to the movie. He had no reaction....he just kept talking. I suppose people do realize how weird I am. Made me laugh anyway.

I had a melt down with my mom yesterday. Not a bad one though, a nessesarry one. It was about time too. I knew I was about due for a full on mom melt down time. Usually they happen over the phone since I'm at college, but this time I was able to have one in person. It was good. Jesus talked to me a bit. He even bought me Endurmints (via my mom.) Funny. And because of said meltdown and talking some stuff out with God, today has been a joyful day thus far. About time. It's making me happy.

And now I'm off to write and drink coffee and pretend I'm at POHO. :-)

P.S. - A song for your enjoyment that I wish I would have remembered for my post about stereotypes. Yes Mmhmm. Enjoy!

Everybody's Got a Story - Amanda Marshall

and also cause I love it

House to Clean - Lee Ellen Starks

The Challenge to Love like a Disney Princess

It's hard to decide what to write about when you're half asleep. I thought having classes done would return my sense of joy. I'm relieved yes....joyful....not to much. Proof yet again that Jesus is truly the only way for me to experience full Joy. Notice the capital "J."

And so I'm at a place again of need for him. And I need a drink from that living spring it talks about all through the bible...problem...I can't find the drinking fountain. Anyone know where it is? Cause pretty sure it's not anywhere where I am right now.

And so I wait. Waiting for Jesus sucks sometimes but it's always worth it in the end.

And then Jesus gave me a challenge tonight as I was writing and thinking. The love challenge.....hm....we shall see. My challenge is based on a verse in Romans 12

"Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality."

Find a way to love someone everyday and write it down. And think of a way that Jesus showed me love everyday and write it down.

Everyday.

I'm bad at everyday. This will be a hard challenge. But I'm slowly learning that love is the center of who Jesus is, and therefore the center of who I am. Without love I am nothing. And to love is my calling in life.

Someone told me today that I remind them of a Disney Princess. At first I was slightly insulted....but not for the reason you'd think. I was insulted because I didn't feel worthy of the title. These women are fighters and lovers, and I'm.....not. Think about it....love like a Disney Princess? Hard! They were purposefully written to be like the most perfect women on the face of the planet.

Cinderella found a way to be joyful even in the worst circumstances. If I was locked in a tower with just mice for friends you can bet I would have gone nuts.

Snow White was diligent in her work and made it fun, and was even was happy through the whole thing. And loved Grumpy through it all? Seriously? Ha! I would have kicked him in the butt!

Aurora (Sleeping Beauty for all you non-disney fans) was obedient but opened her heart up for dreaming too. She loved her Fairy Godmothers and the crazy things they did, but also dreamed about a better life without hiding.

Ariel was a firecracker but found beauty and wonder in the simple things. She loved someone and something that her father hated for no reason. And she saw through the lies about humans and loved.

Belle loved a Beast even when she didn't have to and found the beauty in something ugly and brought that beauty out.

Jasmine loved someone despite their station in life.

Are you seeing the common theme? Loving and persevering through all things? And one huge thing...these women were hopeful through all things. And they loved through all things. Yeah, they sometimes had a little help along the way, yeah these girls had faults too, like anyone. They were rebellious and made mistakes....but those faults were part of what made the ending beautiful. If I can love half as much as these women I'll be a fairly happy camper.

I miss staying up late in the coffee house already. I'll have to find one when I'm home to go write. Finally writing is starting to become my obsession. 'Bout time. It's only been my major for roughly a year. BAHAHA.

I'm pretty random sometimes.

I love Disney....and this song....

Disney Princess Video

"Attempting to get at truth means rejecting stereotypes and cliches" - Harold Evans

I conducted a funny experiment today. I was sitting with M drinking coffee when I realized that I'm starting to fit a stereotype I've always had in my head. That stereotype is that of a the "coffeehouse girl" (I made that into one word for you K). I've never really fit a stereotype, in my own opinion, before. I've never been athletic enough for the cheerleader (although many would argue I'm bubbly enough), I'm not the smart book worm, I'm not a skater, athlete, punk....ect. You get the idea. Now this isn't to say that these stereotypes exist, I'm just going off of what I perceive pop culture thinks of as "stereotypes."

My version of a "coffee house girl." Artsey, likes to read...obviously likes coffee, computer with her all the time, kind of a hot mess...but looks like she has it control. Likes to write and talk with people. Usually a bit alternative looking, messy hair, TOMs shoes, multiple piercings, tattoos maybe. Struggling musician playing open mic nights just to get by.

I fit most of these descriptions, the idea I had in my head. Actual all of the descriptions, although I don't rely on my music "just to get by." I laughed with M over coffee about this and how I thought it was funny that I finally fit into a stereotype without meaning to. It just kinda happened that the only place I can study is coffee houses and all the other descriptions just fell into place in the last year.

And so I decided on my experiment. I wanted to see what other people thought the stereotypical "coffee house girl" was. I wanted to see if I fit into their stereotypes too. And that's when things changed a bit.

The responses I got were a lot more far reaching than I thought, proving to me yet again that people think in completely different ways. One thing that almost everyone said was artsey, but that was the only very consistent answer. Other answers were: black clothing, glasses, laptop in tow, loner, hipster, laid back, mac user, snob, shallow, intelligent, poetry lover, too good for mainstream, loves jazz, indie, island and folk music, English major, on the go, high power, healthnut, family oriented, smart, sophisticated, bookie, urban, dreamer, wisher, radical, liberal, coffee junkie

I love that only one person put anything in their description about loving coffee. As I looked over the list I realized that I didn't fit into many of the categories people were mentioning. Yeah, I'm the English major and I'm generally on the go. I almost always have my laptop in tow and people have described me as artsey before. I love all kinds of music. I do dream and I do wish...but I wouldn't say I'm "radical." Everything else doesn't really fit. I'm not liberal, I hope I'm not a snob or shallow. I still have my old Dell (although I hope to be a mac user one day), and there are still mainstream things that I like, Disney being one of them (although I do hate Starbucks officially). I mean, loner? Really? If anyone described me as a loner ever I would probably fall over in shock....and then call my best friend to tell her about it. I need people.

I sat thinking about this wondering how I could have been so off about what people view as "stereotypical coffee house girls." I was kinda offended at first. If I was ever going to fit into a stereotype I would have chosen coffee house regular for myself.

And then I kept thinking. Maybe all stereotypes are...are just people's own view. I mean, I thought I had it pretty nailed down, but when I asked around it was completely different. And that's probably a good thing. Cause who wants to fit a stereotype anyway. It talks in the bible about how we are all an important part of the body, and if we were all the same, the church body wouldn't be able to truly show Jesus. We can't all be good at everything. And so Jesus, cause he's crazy awesome, made everyone just a little bit different, essentially erasing the possibility for stereotypes.

Yeah! Ha. So I might have been sad at first that I don't really fit the stereotypical "coffee girl" idea. But I'm me. I'm bubbly, I love all things about being a kid (happy meals, disney, snowglobes ect) but I also love my independence as an adult. I love coffee and I love writing for hours on end...but just cause I like those things doesn't make me someone you can put in a box. Maybe that makes it harder to find people who actually understand me, but isn't it nice to surprise people? Yeah....I'll go with the out of the box for now.

I think I now fully understand why I love the movie "The Breakfast Club" so much.

"We're all pretty bizarre...some of us are just better at hidding it, that's all" - The Breakfast Club

Therapy

Suggestion: Click this to enjoy the music that was playing in my head while writing this post. It really make it a good deal more interesting.

There is something therapeutic about writing. Seems to be really convenient that I'm majoring in it right? Ha. Ok well maybe if I actually wrote on a regular basis this would work. It's funny cause Maci (a bff for sure) just started a blog....about us...and C.H.E.M. (standing for Cadie, Hannah, Emily, and Maci. Yeah....we're weird. We know.)

I have too many random thought bumping around in my head to write about just one thing.

Boys....and how they always seem to be bouncing around in my head no matter how many other things try to cram them out. And how I always seem to fall for the wrong ones despite my efforts not to. Again, writing is therapeutic. Write a song about said boys and you feel better.

Uganda. Holy crap there is so much to say. Probably cause there are fifty different emotions going on in my brain about it. I'm scared out of my mind to go. Take "scared" out of the previous sentence and the sentence still holds true. I don't know anyone, I think I have a heart to serve and yet every day I'm reminded about the times I don't listen to God or I chicken out of doing something. Chickening out is really not an option there. Yeah....

Music is frustrating to me. I try to find the right words to tell how I'm feeling. I can hear it in my head but I can never get the words to come out right one paper except once in a.....cliche to say blue moon so I shall say once in a green sunset. Yeah.....sure...we'll go with it.

And screwing up that open mic night didn't help.

What about friends. And how I have the best friends pretty much in the world and yet I take for granted how amazingly fantastic they are.

Or possibly how I'm really sad I stopped writing here. Writing is therapeutic....did I already say that? Yeah...I pretty much meant it.