Regression Sucks.....

I feel like I'm regressing to 3 years ago in my life with the same problems I had. How frustrating. Seriously, it's really annoying me! I'm trying to talk to Jesus about it, rebuke the devil...all that. Not working! Gah! It's like seeing myself 3 years ago, being disgusted, and then realizing that I'm on the tip of a cliff, looking over, and ready to fall back down to that place....I refuse to go back to that place. Refuse!

I am not a patient person.

And yet....Jesus brought me out of that place. He promised I wouldn't go back. He's not really one to break his promises yeah? I am changed....I am completely different right? Yeah, so I had a bad day. We all do. Isn't the true test as to whether I'm the same person whether or not I try again? The Hannah 3 years ago would have given up.

Ha. I love when I have revelations while writing.

Now I just need motivation to write 2 papers. Not likely to happen. Let's be honest. I'll probably just go have Jesus time. At least that's more important that a silly paper.

Therapy

Suggestion: Click this to enjoy the music that was playing in my head while writing this post. It really make it a good deal more interesting.

There is something therapeutic about writing. Seems to be really convenient that I'm majoring in it right? Ha. Ok well maybe if I actually wrote on a regular basis this would work. It's funny cause Maci (a bff for sure) just started a blog....about us...and C.H.E.M. (standing for Cadie, Hannah, Emily, and Maci. Yeah....we're weird. We know.)

I have too many random thought bumping around in my head to write about just one thing.

Boys....and how they always seem to be bouncing around in my head no matter how many other things try to cram them out. And how I always seem to fall for the wrong ones despite my efforts not to. Again, writing is therapeutic. Write a song about said boys and you feel better.

Uganda. Holy crap there is so much to say. Probably cause there are fifty different emotions going on in my brain about it. I'm scared out of my mind to go. Take "scared" out of the previous sentence and the sentence still holds true. I don't know anyone, I think I have a heart to serve and yet every day I'm reminded about the times I don't listen to God or I chicken out of doing something. Chickening out is really not an option there. Yeah....

Music is frustrating to me. I try to find the right words to tell how I'm feeling. I can hear it in my head but I can never get the words to come out right one paper except once in a.....cliche to say blue moon so I shall say once in a green sunset. Yeah.....sure...we'll go with it.

And screwing up that open mic night didn't help.

What about friends. And how I have the best friends pretty much in the world and yet I take for granted how amazingly fantastic they are.

Or possibly how I'm really sad I stopped writing here. Writing is therapeutic....did I already say that? Yeah...I pretty much meant it.

Hula Hooping the Summer Away

Did you know hula hooping "vigorously" burns 300 calories per half hour according to google? Yeah.....that's exciting.

I love taking things that are supposed to be kid things and revamping them. Seriously, it's awesome.

Also, Maci has provided a great soundtrack to hula hoop to....Circus, Put a Ring on It, Lollypop.......so much fun to dance to. Yeah......it's been a fun few days.

And I get to see Demetri in a few days. WOOHOO!

And my song from LAST summer just came on....Free Fallin' but John Mayer.

I miss everyone, but goodness I love summer, and I love being home. I love my friends from home. I'm so weird. I never got unattached.

I also had a dream I was pregnant last night. I have those every once in awhile.

Songs for the summer:

Breakdown: Jack Johnson (this song is for you Meli, just listen to the lyrics)
MargaritaVille: Jimmy Buffet
and just cause I'm a true gangsta' at heart
Miami: Will Smith

Smoothies and Backyard Weddings

Every girl dreams about her wedding day right? I mean, I'm not some crazy freak cause I pretty much have the whole thing planned, down to the flowers, the location, the dress.....the everything.

Yeah, ok, maybe it's a bit much.

I was out in my backyard yesterday and my mom wants me to get married in my backyard. Honestly, I love the idea. I've lived here my entire life....my brother's have lived here for their entire lives....my parents have lived here for almost 35 years. Geeze that's crazy. It's home, ya know? It will always be home.

P.S.- I love movies that make you nostalgic without even knowing the people. There is something about movies that take place in the 30/40's for me. AKA The Curious Case of Benjamen Button. SO good.

I'm also getting really good at making smoothies.

I love summer. I just don't want to get lazy. I've talked to M about this a bit, but I'm so scared I'm going to become a lukewarm christian this summer, and that is unacceptable. I just want to feel close to him all the time, but that's not really how it works yeah? You'll have times where he feels distant.

P.P.S- Mom is shopping for a trellis tomorrow for my wedding. Yeah.....she's more excited than I am. Now I just need to find the groom and insert. Ha.

"Roman's is like a giant piece of fudge, so good, but I can only take little pieces at a time or I get overwhelmed"

If you want your mind blown away read Romans 7 and 8. The Message translation is the best.

HoneySuckle OUT!

I don't know....I'm just rambling at this point

Deepest Parts of Me

Me to God:

"I just want to catch up but you never slow down. If I try to keep up, I might fail you now. Come dwell inside my heart, live in the deepest parts, but you might not like what you see, in the deepest parts of me."

Jesus, here is a list of things that are in the deepest part of me

-I love that I have nothing apart from you
-I hate that I have nothing apart from you (I'm independent, go figure)
-It's hard not having anything cause I'm good, and rather cause you give me everything
-I wish I came to you cause I was special, and not cause you give me grace
-I wish I loved you the way you deserve
-I want to love people
-I want you to zoom into my life

Jesus back to Me:

"Anyone who holds on to the life just as it is destroy that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal" John 12:26 (The Message)

The things I speak into the deepest parts:
-you picked me
-that makes you different
-that makes you special
-I'll fancy you for forever
-I am all up in your inner sanctum
-I love you, if you realize nothing else, realize I love you


Jesus is amazing. Jenny & Tyler write songs about my life.

Jenny and Tyler